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Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 1
These days women are contributing to almost every profession compared to the past. A part of the society said that women should also get the same opportunity as men on the military force, while others seem to disagree with it. In this case, I agree that women could take equal rights as men in the army. In the next paragraph, I will show some of my perspectives and give additional cases. First of all, gender equality is a very important thing in every aspect. Gender equality does not always mean that women want to be the same as men. However, it is about the rights that women should get proportionately. For example, women should get paid equivalently instead of lower than men, just because of their gender. On the contrary, many people assume that women's physical features are built to be not as strong as men. From what I know, not all women are weak. Also, if they want to enter the military, they do not always need to be in the same role as men. For instance, one of my friend's mother is an army officer in the health department. It shows that to join the military, does not mean that you should go to the field and fight. In conclusion, we should support and respect women's right to decide whatever job they want to do. Particularly in this topic, in the soldiery that women often get disparaged just because of their physical look. Women can play an equal role as men, vice versa.
These days
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are contributing to almost every profession compared to the past. A part of the society said that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the same opportunity as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
on the military force, while others seem to disagree with it.
In this case
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
could take equal rights as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the army. In the
next
paragraph, I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of my perspectives and give additional cases.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, gender equality is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
thing in every aspect. Gender equality does not always mean that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
want to be the same as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
However
, it is about the rights that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
proportionately
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
paid
equivalently
instead
of lower than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their gender.

On the contrary
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
assume that women's physical features
are built
to be not as strong as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
. From what I know, not all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
are weak.
Also
, if they want to enter the military, they do not always need to be in the same role as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
.
For instance
, one of my friend's mother is an army officer in the health department. It
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the military, does not mean that you should go to the field and fight.

In conclusion
, we should support and respect women's right to decide whatever job they want to do.
Particularly
in this topic, in the soldiery that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
disparaged
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their physical look.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Women
can play an equal role as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
, vice versa.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police or military force, such as the army, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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