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Some people believe that to earn money is everything in spite of having happiness.Give your Opinion and example where it needed.

Some people believe that to earn money is everything in spite of having happiness. Give your Opinion and example where it needed. pKXea
A proverb goes that money is the second God alongside that few individuals perceive that being ecstatic is less important comparing than earning money but others do not. I accord with myself to gather capital should not a vital concern to those who want to be happy in life. At first it is most important part in our daily life to have sufficient cash in anyone's hand to survive, on the other hand some times it make us so uneasy or uncomfortable being fussy with that. On the whole we live in a family so that we need to give more concern to our child otherwise they will spoiled. A research in USA in 2019 disclosed that those children who remained close to their parents had more patient during their study. Secondly we have senior parents in our society whereas they need to special care for them we must assure their care. If we run for earning money whole the day it will be harder for us. On the nutshell I can tell myself that Life is short, so we need to be more focused to our family.
A proverb goes that money is the second God alongside that few individuals perceive that being ecstatic is less
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
comparing than earning money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others do not. I accord with myself to gather capital should not a vital concern to those who want to be happy in life.

At
The comma is probably missing here: "first, it".
first it
is
Did you mean "the most"?
most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
part in our daily life to have sufficient cash in anyone's hand to survive,
on the other hand
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
times it
Did you mean "makes"?
make
us
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
uneasy or uncomfortable being fussy with that.
On the whole
we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in a family
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that we need to give more concern to our child
otherwise
they will
The verb 'will' requires the base form of the verb: "spoil"
spoiled
.
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "research".
A research
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
in 2019 disclosed that those children who remained close to their parents had more patient during their study.

Secondly
we have senior parents in our society whereas they need to special care for them we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
assure their care. If we run for earning money whole the day it will be harder for us.

On the nutshell I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
myself that Life is short,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
we need to be more focused to our family.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that to earn money is everything in spite of having happiness. Give your Opinion and example where it needed.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
188 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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