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Some people believe that the biggest problem facing cities is the increasing number of cars. Others say there more serious problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that the biggest problem facing cities is the increasing number of cars. Others say there more serious problems. v. 2
There is no doubt that the rate of crime had increased in the past century to an extreme level. Each Year, the collected rates is significantly higher than the previous year. Most of the people think that the main reason for the violent behaviours of the communities is media, on the contrary, others believe that poverty and lack of education contributes to this cause with much more. Firstly, if we have a look at Social Media, Movies and video games, It is clear to everyone that all the content includes violent actions and behaviours which makes aggression socially acceptable leading to higher rates of crime. On the other hand, the majority think that poverty and the need for life essentials such as food and shelter has much greater influence on the increasing crime rate and criminals. In my opinion media, poverty and lack of education are all on the same level and must be tackled and treated by the governments. Moreover, lack of education is one of the main reasons of developing ignorant persons whom they don't yield to any law. By default those whom are not educated will tend to have no jobs and accordingly no income or means of supporting their way of living, hence due to poverty and the need of surviving the crime rates will increase. Some say that providing proper education to the young ones and teaching them from a young age will help them have self discipline and accordingly self control, leading to a better lifestyle and accordingly decreasing the percentage of crime in those generations. However the rest still insists that the problems coming from the media side are much more severe as nowadays, technologies are reachable and accessible for everyone and they are the main reason for the aggression in the society. In conclusion, wither its media, lack of education or poverty, all are essential contributors in increasing the crime rate and governments must have a very strict plan to face those challenges and provide solutions.
There is no doubt that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
had increased in the past century to an extreme level. Each Year, the collected
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
is
significantly
higher than the previous year. Most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the main reason for the violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
of the communities is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
on the contrary
, others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
contributes to this cause with much more.

Firstly
, if we have a look at Social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Media
, Movies and video games, It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
to everyone that all the content includes violent actions and
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
aggression
socially
acceptable leading to higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
.
On the other hand
, the majority
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and the need for life essentials such as food and shelter has much greater influence on the increasing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
and criminals. In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
are all on the same level and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be tackled
and treated by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
.

Moreover
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
is one of the main reasons of developing ignorant persons whom they don't yield to any law.
Did you mean: "By default,"?
By default
those whom are not educated will tend to have no jobs and
accordingly
no income or means of supporting their way of living,
hence
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
and the need of surviving the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
will increase.

This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
say that providing proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
to the young ones and teaching them from a young age will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them have
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self discipline
and
accordingly
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
self control
, leading to a better lifestyle and
accordingly
decreasing the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
in those generations.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
the rest
still
insists that the problems coming from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
side are much more severe as nowadays, technologies are reachable and accessible for
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
everyone and
they are the main reason for the aggression in the society.

In conclusion
, wither its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
media
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lack
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
education
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
poverty
, all are essential contributors in increasing the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
strict plan to face those challenges and provide solutions.
11Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
A foreign language is like a frail, delicate muscle. If you do not use it, it weakens.
Jhumpa Lahiri

IELTS essay Some people believe that the biggest problem facing cities is the increasing number of cars. Others say there more serious problems. v. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
334 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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