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Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v.1

Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v. 1
Most people spend more their time outside rather than indoors. This is mainly because of longer working hours and emphasizing individualism. This has a negative impact on a lack of communication between family members, but it also have a positive impact on society such as boosting the economy. People are working longer hours than ever before and they do not have time to spend at home. Some people do not only work overtime on weekdays, but also work on weekends. This is because the world has become borderless due to the development of means of transportation and the Internet, and competition among companies has become intense. For example, one of my friends who work in IT company, catches the first train to go to company in the morning and take the last train to get home after work. He spends only six hours at home, leaving less time for family. Thus, people who live in such a global society, spend most of time at their workplace. Another reason for spending less time at home is that the importance of individualism is increasing. People value pursuing their own goals and dreams. Chasing our dream often investing more of our time in study or work. For example, my friend’s son who want to be a lawyer in the future spend most of his time studying at school. Studying at school until 10: 00p. m. , he eats out with friends every day. This often results in spending less time at home because they put more value on fulfilling their own dream. The decrease in time spent at home has both positive and negative effects, including an increase in family lacking communication and economic expansion. Regarding negative impacts on individuals, family conversations may decrease since they do not have enough time to spend together. In some cases, it leads to divorce and juvenile delinquency. However, there are also some positive effects. As people spend more time outside, they have more opportunities to spend money, which has an economic effect. Some people would eat out, others would spend money learning new things. In this way, less time people spend at home has both positive and negative effects on individuals and society. In conclusion, people spend less time at home due to an increased workload and individualism. As it has both positive and negative impacts on our life, there is a need for us to be conscious about finding a healthy balance between the time spent at home and outside.
Most
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people
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spend
more their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside
rather
than indoors. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of longer working hours and emphasizing individualism. This has a
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negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on a lack of communication between
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family
members,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it
also
Did you mean "has"?
have
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impact
on society such as boosting the economy.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are working longer hours than ever
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
before and
they do not have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
at home.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
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work
overtime on weekdays,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
on weekends. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the world has become borderless due to the development of means of transportation and the Internet, and competition among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
has become intense.
For example
, one of my friends who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in IT
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
, catches the
first
train to go to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
in the morning and take the last train to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
home after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
. He
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spends
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
six hours at home, leaving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
Thus
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in such a global society,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at their workplace.

Another reason for spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home is that the importance of individualism is increasing.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
value pursuing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
goals and dreams. Chasing our dream
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
investing more of our
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in study or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
For example
, my friend’s son who want to be a lawyer in the future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
most of his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
studying at school. Studying at school until 10: 00p. m.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
he eats out with friends every day. This
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
results in spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they put more value on fulfilling their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
dream.

The decrease in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent at home has both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects, including an increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
lacking communication and economic expansion. Regarding
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impacts
on individuals,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
conversations may decrease since they do not have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
together. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
cases, it leads to divorce and juvenile delinquency.
However
, there are
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
effects. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
outside, they have more opportunities to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
money, which has an economic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
effect
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would eat out, others would
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
money learning new things. In this way,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
at home has both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
effects on individuals and society.

In conclusion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
at home due to an increased workload and individualism. As it has both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
positive
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
negative
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
impacts
on our life, there is a need for us to be conscious about finding a healthy balance between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
spent at home and outside.
13Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
62Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
One who speaks only one language is one person, but one who speaks two languages is two people.
Turkish proverb

IELTS essay Nowadays more and more people are spending less time at home. Why do you think it happens? What effect does this have on individuals and the society? v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
415 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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