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Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects, but others believe that teenagers should focus on the subjects that they are most interested. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects, but others believe that teenagers should focus on the subjects that they are most interested. v. 2
It has become a debatable topic that whether teenager should focus on all the school subjects or they should only study their favourite subject. In my opinion, I believe that they should study all the subjects with equal attention. On one hand, there are some set of peoples who believe that it is beneficial for the teenager to devote time on the subjects of their liking. Firstly, by focusing their attention on a handful of subjects, students can gain proficiency in their field. Thus, they gain expertise in their domain and become an expert. For example, a student good in programming language should choose the software field to climb the ladder of success rather than choosing other fields. Secondly, the learning efficiency of the student should also enhance as their stress level will be eliminated because of less burden of extra subjects. Hence, it is advantageous for the youngsters to concentrate on the subjects they are most interested. On the other hand, some folks believe that students should concentrate on all the subjects instead of focusing on their favourite subjects. Nowadays, due to bottle neck competition most of the companies hire multi-talented people. Studying varieties of subjects will open numerous gateways of opportunities for the students. Consequently, they become jack of all trades. For instance, a person well versed in mathematics and English can easily grab the position of teacher in either subject. Additionally, learning all the subject will help the teenagers to broaden their horizons of knowledge which results in their holistic development. Therefore, students should give attention to all the subjects. In conclusion, although it is beneficial for the students to concentrate on their favourite subjects, focusing on all the subjects will bless them will multiple skills for their overall development.
It has become a debatable topic that whether
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
should focus on all the school
Use a comma before 'or' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
subjects or
they should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
study their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
. In my opinion, I believe that they should study all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
with equal attention.

On one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
set of peoples who believe that it is beneficial for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
to devote time on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
of their liking.
Firstly
, by focusing their attention on a handful of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
can gain proficiency in their field.
Thus
, they gain expertise in their domain and become an expert.
For example
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
The usual preposition for this expression is "at". Did you mean, "good at programming"?
good in programming
language should choose the software field to climb the ladder of success
rather
than choosing other fields.
Secondly
, the learning efficiency of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
should
also
enhance as their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level will
be eliminated
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less burden of extra
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
.
Hence
, it is advantageous for the youngsters to concentrate on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
they are most interested.

On the other hand
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
folks believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should concentrate on all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
instead
of focusing on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. Nowadays, due to
This word is normally spelled as one.
bottle neck
competition most of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
hire multi-talented
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
. Studying varieties of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will open numerous gateways of opportunities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
.
Consequently
, they become jack of all trades.
For instance
, a person well versed in mathematics and English can
easily
grab the position of teacher in either
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
.
Additionally
, learning all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
to broaden their horizons of knowledge which results in their holistic development.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should give attention to all the subjects.

In conclusion
, although it is beneficial for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to concentrate on their
Possible spelling mistake. 'favourite' is British English.
favourite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, focusing on all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will bless them will multiple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their
overall
development.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes
A new language is a new life.
Persian Proverb

IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should concentrate on all school subjects, but others believe that teenagers should focus on the subjects that they are most interested. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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