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Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well. N9mW
It is true that some people argue that adolescents should spend their leisure time with volunteering to community work, which can be beneficial for them and others equally. While I believe that it is useful for them to comply with social work and I completely agree with this statement. On the one hand, teenagers can bring to society more advantages by being busy with helping community voluntarily in their spare time. Firstly, juveniles by doing unpaid social work, can enhance their outlook, as they are able to meet various individuals and face to different situations. Secondly, volunteering can be able to appear in adolescents' mind a sense of kindness and respectfulness towards individuals, environment, and also, animals. Finally, adolescents are able to spend their time sufficiently and fruitfully, doing advantageous activities for the community as well. On the other hand, in point of some people's views, it is preferable for youngsters spending their spare time with doing their studies and homework. In this way, they can gain more knowledge and enlarge their horizons. As a result, well-educated young personnel will bring more benefits to the society by sharing their own experience with people. For instance, in dome countries, such as Japan or Korea, a significant amount of juveniles are busy with studying, also creating new inventions, which, in most consequences, cause to improve individuals' lives. To sum up, I believe that juveniles should spend their leisure time on community work without any payment, so that they can bring more advantages to the society and themselves.
It is true that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that adolescents should spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with volunteering to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, which can be beneficial for them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
and others
equally
. While I believe that it is useful for them to comply with social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
and I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. On the one hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
can bring to society more advantages by being busy with helping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
voluntarily
in their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
Firstly
, juveniles by doing unpaid social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, can enhance their outlook, as they are able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
various individuals and face to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
situations.
Secondly
, volunteering can be able to appear in adolescents' mind a sense of kindness and respectfulness towards individuals, environment, and
also
, animals.
Finally
, adolescents are able to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
sufficiently
and
fruitfully
, doing advantageous activities for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
as well
.
On the other hand
, in point of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's views, it is preferable for youngsters spending their spare
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with doing their studies and homework. In this way, they can gain more knowledge and enlarge their horizons.
As a result
, well-educated young personnel will bring more benefits to the society by sharing their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
experience with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.
For instance
, in dome countries, such as Japan or Korea, a significant amount of juveniles
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "is"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'are' is not always incorrect.)
are
busy with studying,
also
creating new inventions, which, in most consequences, cause to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
individuals'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. To sum up, I believe that juveniles should spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
community
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
without any payment,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they can bring more advantages to the society and themselves.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that teenagers should be required to do unpaid community work in their free time. This can benefit teenagers and the community as well.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
255 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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