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Some people believe that technological developments LEAD TO THE LOSS OF TRADITIONAL CULTURES

Some people believe that technological developments LEAD TO THE LOSS OF TRADITIONAL CULTURES 2RblM
Some people believe that technological developments LEAD TO THE LOSS OF TRADITIONAL CULTURES. I PARTLY AGREE WITH THIS ASSERTION; while it may be true in the case of some societies, others seem to be unaffected by technology and the modern world. On the one hand, the advances in technology that HAVE DRIVEN INDUSTRIALISATION IN DEVELOPED COUNTRIES have certainly CONTRIBUTED TO THE DISAPPEARANCE OF TRADITIONAL WAYS OF LIFE. For example, in pre-industrial Britain, generations of families grew up in the same small village communities. These communities HAD A STRONG SENSE OF IDENTITY, due to THEIR SHARED CUSTOMS AND BELIEFS. However, developments in transport, communications and manufacturing LED TO THE DISPERSAL OF FAMILIES AND VILLAGE COMMUNITIES as people MOVED TO THE CITIES IN SEARCH OF WORK. Nowadays most British villages are inhabited by commuters, many of whom do not know their closest neighbours. On the other hand, in some parts of the world TRADITIONAL CULTURES STILL THRIVE. There are TRIBES IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST, for example, that have been completely untouched by the technological developments of the developed world. These tribal communities continue to hunt and gather food from the forest, and TRADITIONAL SKILLS ARE PASSED ON TO CHILDREN BY PARENTS AND ELDERS. Other traditional cultures, such as FARMING COMMUNITIES in parts of Africa, are EMBRACING COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGIES. Mobile phones GIVE FARMERS ACCESS TO INFORMATION, FROM WEATHER PREDICTIONS TO MARKET PRICES, which helps them to prosper and therefore supports their culture. In conclusion, many traditional ways of life have been lost as a result of advances in technology, but other TRADITIONAL COMMUNITIES HAVE SURVIVED AND EVEN FLOURISHED.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that technological developments LEAD TO THE LOSS OF

TRADITIONAL CULTURES. I PARTLY
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
AGREE
WITH THIS ASSERTION; while it may be true in the case of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
societies, others seem to
be unaffected
by

technology and the modern world.

On the one hand, the advances in technology that HAVE DRIVEN
Possible spelling mistake. 'INDUSTRIALISATION' is British English.
INDUSTRIALISATION


IN
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DEVELOPED COUNTRIES
have
certainly
CONTRIBUTED TO THE DISAPPEARANCE OF
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TRADITIONAL
WAYS OF LIFE.
For example
, in
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-industrial
Britain, generations of families grew up in the same
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
village
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
HAD A STRONG SENSE OF IDENTITY, due to THEIR SHARED CUSTOMS AND BELIEFS.
However
, developments in transport, communications and manufacturing LED TO THE DISPERSAL OF FAMILIES AND VILLAGE COMMUNITIES

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
MOVED
TO THE

CITIES IN SEARCH OF WORK. Nowadays most

British villages
are inhabited
by commuters,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of whom do not know their closest

Possible spelling mistake. 'neighbours' is British English.
neighbours
.
On the other hand
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
parts of the world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TRADITIONAL
CULTURES
STILL
THRIVE. There are TRIBES IN THE AMAZON RAINFOREST,
for example
, that have been completely untouched by the technological developments of the developed world. These tribal
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communities
continue to hunt and gather food from the forest, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TRADITIONAL
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
SKILLS
ARE PASSED
ON TO CHILDREN BY PARENTS AND ELDERS. Other

traditional cultures, such as FARMING
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
COMMUNITIES
in parts

of Africa, are EMBRACING COMMUNICATION TECHNOLOGIES. Mobile phones GIVE FARMERS ACCESS TO INFORMATION, FROM WEATHER PREDICTIONS TO MARKET

PRICES, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to prosper and
therefore
supports their culture.

In conclusion
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
traditional
ways of life have
been lost
as a result
of advances in

technology,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
TRADITIONAL
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
COMMUNITIES
HAVE SURVIVED AND EVEN

FLOURISHED.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that technological developments LEAD TO THE LOSS OF TRADITIONAL CULTURES

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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