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Some people believe that success in the life depends on hard work and determination while other people think that it totally depends on good looks and money discuss both you and give your opinion

Some people believe that success in the life depends on hard work and determination while other people think that it totally depends on good looks and money discuss both you and give your opinion LBQDr
Since ages, some individuals believe that success is rely on hard work as well as determination; whereas, some another group of thinkers think that it totally depends upon good looks and good financial background. Therefore, before commenting my decision, both the views would be discussed. Discussing the former view, the primary argument the supporters would put forward is, determination and hard work is a essential factor for the success, as it gives us an important goal of our life. For instance, Marie curie was the lady who was fully focused for finishing her husband’s project and she did it because of her ambition. However, determination would not solely enough; efforts are also matters lot in success and without this there is no value for dete rmination. Only those succeed who have great determination and who put lot of sweat in order to fulfil their dreams. On the contrary, later view tells that person with glamorous personality with money has more significance for success. To elaborate, those who has both this factors would enhance confidence due to which they have more chances to succeed in their life. By this I mean, they have more opportunities in the realm of acting and modeling. Moreover, those are working in film industries might hit success in the sorter span of time because it doesn’t take too much time to become famous. Thus, to conclude the above discussion and give my opinion, according to my perspective, both the views are rational because both has its merits as well as demerits; hen ce, we can't opine in favor of only one side of the success as both are important in people’s life.
Since ages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
individuals believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
is
Consider using a past participle here: "relied".
rely
on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
; whereas,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
another group of thinkers
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "thinks"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'think' is not always incorrect.)
think
that it
totally
depends upon
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
looks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
financial background.
Therefore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
commenting my decision, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
would
be discussed
.

Discussing the former
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
, the primary argument the supporters would put forward is,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work is
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
essential factor for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
, as it gives us an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
goal of our life.
For instance
,
If the term is a proper noun, use initial capitals.
Marie curie
was the lady
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
was
fully
focused for finishing her husband’s
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
project and
she did it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of her ambition.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
would not
solely
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
; efforts are
also
matters lot in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
and without this there is no value for
Possible spelling mistake found.
dete rmination
.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
those succeed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have great
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
put
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
sweat in order to fulfil their dreams.

On the contrary
, later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
view
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tells
that person with glamorous personality with money has more significance for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
. To elaborate, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
has both
Did you mean "these"?
this
factors would enhance confidence due to which they have more chances to succeed in their life. By this I mean, they have more opportunities in the realm of acting and modeling.
Moreover
, those are working in film industries might hit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
in the sorter span of time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it doesn’t take too much time to become
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
.

Thus
,
to conclude
the above discussion and give my opinion, according to my perspective, both the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
views
are rational
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
both has its merits
Probable usage error. Use "and" after 'both'.
as well as
demerits;
Possible spelling mistake found.
hen ce
, we can't opine in favor of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
one side of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
success
as both are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s life.

IELTS essay Some people believe that success in the life depends on hard work and determination while other people think that it totally depends on good looks and money discuss both you and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
276 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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