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Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. v.8

Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. v. 8
Some people think that taking risks and chances will lead them to success. From my everyday experience and observation, I believe that success results from careful planning. I base my position on the following points. First of all, I believe that careful planning helps a person to analyse his goal more deeply and make realistic goals. He knows exactly what he wants. Taking chances, from the other hand, does not give the opportunity to clearly understand a goal. A person just wants to do something to move forward and he takes risks when there is no need of it. A fixed plan helps a person to achieve it and make the person more determined and object oriented than those who don’t have a fixed aim. Second, careful planning teaches people to arrange their time more carefully in order to reach their goals. They become more patient and calm. They plan every step. This allows people to find an easier way to reach their goals and  move forward faster. From the other hand, people who prefer to take risks without planning may spend more time without any improvements waiting for a chance to take. Take sportsmen for example. They exercise a lot before their performance to be in shape, do all their best and improve their previous results. Finally, careful planning teaches them not to give up, try to find other ways to reach their goals in the case of failure. To sum up, personally, I think that all people who succeeded in life would agree with me that their success came with the hard work and careful planning.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that taking
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
and chances will lead them to success. From my everyday experience and observation, I believe that success results from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
. I base my position on the following points.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'analyse' is British English.
analyse
his
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
more
deeply
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
realistic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
. He knows exactly what he wants. Taking chances, from the other hand, does not give the opportunity to
clearly
understand a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goal
. A
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
wants to do something to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
forward and
he takes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
when there is no need of it. A
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
plan
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
to achieve it and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
more determined and
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
object oriented
than those who don’t have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
aim.

Second,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
teaches
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to arrange their time more
carefully
in order to reach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
. They become more patient and calm. They plan every step. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allows
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to find an easier way to reach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
and
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
forward faster. From the other hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who prefer to take
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risks
without
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
may spend more time without any improvements waiting for a chance to take. Take sportsmen
for example
. They exercise a lot
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
their performance to be in shape, do all their best and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their previous results.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
teaches them not to give up, try to find other ways to reach their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
goals
in the case of failure. To sum up,
personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who succeeded in life would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with me that their success came with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
careful
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
planning
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that success in life comes from taking risks or chances. Others believe that success results from careful planning. v. 8

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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