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Some people believe that parents should not give expensive gifts to their children Do you agree or disagree with the statement v.2

Some people believe that parents should not give expensive gifts to their children v. 2
Gone are the days when children' s demands were paid least heed, however, in this competitive era, this attitude of parents has undergone a sea change and they have started over pampering their children by offering expensive gifts. A section of society highly favours this practice while others are more suspicious about its repercussions. To my mind, offering costly gifts is never a wise idea instead of it they should be encouraged by giving limited and useful materials, the same will be discussed in the ensuing paragraphs. First and foremost reason that why parents should not give their children luxurious gifts is that children become materialistic and money minded. By this I mean, children always seek for luxurious gifts in further life also and sometimes they get haywire from the real path of life. Also, sometime children start demanding more costly things with the passage of time; which may deteriorate their motive and sometimes parents are unable to cater their all the demands. In such cases, children start disrespecting their parents and their elders. As such, pampering the children is not worth. However, some people believe that by giving gifts to the children time to time makes them more energetic and inspires them to get more success in their life. In other words, when offsprings get the gifts, it creates curiosity among them to get more the material goods by studying or by hardworking more. Nevertheless, juveniles get deprived from the love from their surroundings. To be more precise, they start indulging in material goods for most of the times and forget the value of kith and kin. Hence, presenting costly gifts to the children should be avoided by the parents. A survey conducted in USA, for example, revealed that young ones overwhelmed by guardians with presents have no affection with near and dear ones. To recapitulate, I vehemently vouch that although parents can encourage and inspire their children by offering alluring things however it may be hazardous for them in long term.
Gone
Consider using third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "is".
are
the days when
Possible spelling mistake found.
children&
#039; s demands
were paid
A determiner is probably missing here: "the least".
least
heed,
however
, in this competitive era, this attitude of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
has undergone a sea
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
change and
they have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
over pampering their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by offering expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
. A section of society
highly
Possible spelling mistake. 'favours' is British English.
favours
this practice while others are more suspicious about its repercussions. To my mind, offering costly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
is never a wise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
instead
of it they should
be encouraged
by giving limited and useful materials, the same will
be discussed
in the ensuing paragraphs.

First
and foremost reason that why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
should not give their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become materialistic and money minded. By this I mean,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
always seek for luxurious
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
in
further
life
also
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
haywire from the real path of life.
Also
, sometime
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
demanding more costly things with the passage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
; which may deteriorate their motive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are unable to cater their all the demands. In such cases,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
disrespecting their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their elders. As such, pampering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
is not worth.

However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that by giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them more energetic and inspires them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more success in their life.
In other words
, when
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
, it creates curiosity among them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more the material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
by studying or by hardworking more.
Nevertheless
, juveniles
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
The usual collocation for "deprived" is "of" not "". Did you mean "deprived of"?
deprived from
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
from their surroundings. To be more precise, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
indulging in material
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
for most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
and forget the value of kith and kin.
Hence
, presenting costly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be avoided
by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
. A survey conducted
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the USA".
in USA
,
for example
, revealed that young ones overwhelmed by guardians with presents have no affection with near and dear ones.

To recapitulate, I
vehemently
vouch that although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
can encourage and inspire their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by offering alluring things
however
it may be hazardous for them in long term.
15Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS essay Some people believe that parents should not give expensive gifts to their children v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
333 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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