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Some people believe that music should be taught in school while others think it is best to focus on computer and science. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that music should be taught in school while others think it is best to focus on computer and science. R3dM
Some individuals argue that music should be part of study, but others believe it is essential school should concentrate on computer and science subjects. I partially agree to the above mentioned statement. This essay will substantiate my perspective in the following paragraphs with appropriate examples. There are some crucial benefits of imposing music syllabus in school. Firstly, some people know if their children learn music while schooling they can lead new skills such as play musical instruments, rhythms and singing which can be beneficial for them. For example, learning about singing skills and participate in any music activities during schooling make them more presentable, confident and active. Secondly, children can choose music as their career profession as singer in their future life. For instance, now in this modern era, there are plethora of opportunities in music industry like singing reality show, playback singing in movies, music director and composer as well as they can make their own music videos to show their talents to the people. On the other hand, who masses give more importance to science and computer study while school time and they consider these subjects can give more safe and fixed career options or goals in their children's life such as study in science their children have scope to become doctors and scientists. Furthermore, computer subject can also help them to boost their career opportunities in IT industries and they can get jobs like software engineering and administration. Additionally, if their children complete their education in these fields they can become capable to find good and permanent occupation with good salary package as well as make their future secure as financially and professionally. To summarize, while schooling that music, science and computer subjects can equally play vital role in children's academic life and they can get lots of valuable information from it and make their profession life in these areas.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals argue that
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music
should be part of study,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
others believe it is essential school should concentrate on computer and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
. I
partially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
to the above mentioned statement. This essay will substantiate my perspective in the following paragraphs with appropriate examples.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial benefits of imposing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
syllabus in school.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
know if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
while schooling they can lead new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as play musical instruments, rhythms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
which can be beneficial for them.
For example
, learning about
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and participate in any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
activities during schooling
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make
them more presentable, confident and active.
Secondly
,
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children
can choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as their career profession as singer in their future
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
in this modern era, there are plethora of opportunities in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
industry like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
singing
reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
, playback
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singing
in movies,
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music
director and composer
as well
as they can
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make
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
videos to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their talents to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

On the other hand
, who masses give more importance to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer study while school
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they consider these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can give more safe and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fixed
career options or goals in their children's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
such as study in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have scope to become doctors and scientists.
Furthermore
, computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
can
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to boost their career opportunities in IT
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
industries and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
jobs like software engineering and administration.
Additionally
, if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
complete their education in these fields they can become capable to find
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
and permanent occupation with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
salary package
as well
as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their future secure as
financially
and
professionally
.

To summarize
, while schooling that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
science
and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
can
equally
play vital role in children's academic
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
lots of valuable information from it and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
make
their profession
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
in these areas.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that music should be taught in school while others think it is best to focus on computer and science.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
313 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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