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Some people believe that more academic subjects such as chemistry, physics and history should be taught in schools, while others believe that students will derive more benefit from studying practical subjects such as motor mechanics and cooking. Discuss both views and give your opinion. v.2

Some people believe that more academic subjects such as chemistry, physics and history should be taught in schools, while others believe that students will derive more benefit from studying practical subjects such as motor mechanics and cooking. v. 2
Although it is sometimes believed that schools ought to teach more of theoretical subjects, other people think that practical subjects will be more beneficial to students. In my opinion, I consider that hands-on subjects such as cooking or motor mechanics will help students acquire skills that are relevant for their financial future. On the one hand, those who say that theory based subjects are more useful to students might argue that these courses lay the foundation for innovations and inventions. This is because they expose the minds of students to intricate concepts on the workings of our world and universe and as a result they can unveil knowledge which proffer solutions to societal problems. For instance, previous studies have shown that pupils who learn world history often make competent political leaders as they understand patterns of successful and failed governments and can therefore exploit such patterns to benefit their citizens. On the other hand, others suppose and I agree, that applied learning in areas such as cooking, sewing, motor mechanics e. t. c. , is essential for students’ future financial well-being. The reason for this is that these lessons afford pupils with skills which they can exchange for money while attending college, or generally, whether they obtain tertiary education or not. For example, recent studies by the World Trade Organisation (WTO) indicate that 58% of high school graduates who become entrepreneurs, do so with the skills that they learned while schooling. In conclusion, while people may vary in their opinions, I believe that students stand a better chance of succeeding financially, if they are taught real-world subjects while in school.
Although it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
believed that schools ought to teach more of theoretical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that practical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
will be more beneficial to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. In my opinion, I consider that hands-on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as cooking or motor mechanics will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
acquire
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that are relevant for their financial future.

On the one hand, those who say that theory based
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
are more useful to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
might argue that these courses lay the foundation for innovations and inventions. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they expose the minds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
to intricate concepts on the workings of our world and universe and
as a result
they can unveil knowledge which proffer solutions to societal problems.
For instance
, previous studies have shown that pupils who learn world history
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
competent political leaders as they understand patterns of successful and failed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
and can
therefore
exploit such patterns to benefit their citizens.

On the other hand
, others suppose and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
, that applied learning in areas such as cooking, sewing, motor mechanics e. t. c.
Loose punctuation mark.
,
is essential for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students’
future financial well-being.
The reason for this is
that these lessons afford pupils with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which they can exchange for money while attending college, or
generally
, whether they obtain tertiary education or not.
For example
, recent studies by the World Trade
Possible spelling mistake. 'Organisation' is British English.
Organisation
(WTO) indicate that 58% of high school graduates who become entrepreneurs, do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
that they learned while schooling.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
may vary in their opinions, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
stand a better chance of succeeding
financially
, if they
are taught
real-world
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
while in school.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people believe that more academic subjects such as chemistry, physics and history should be taught in schools, while others believe that students will derive more benefit from studying practical subjects such as motor mechanics and cooking. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
270 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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