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Some people believe that money is important to obtain happiness while other think that happiness has nothing to do with money .Do you agree or disagree with this statement and give your opinion

Some people believe that money is important to obtain happiness while other think that happiness has nothing to do with money. and give your opinion Ny5Jj
Few individuals think that the money is the most essential factor for obtaining happiness, while other opine that happiness has nothing to do with money. I profoundly disagree with this notion that money is only vital for achieving happiness in life. I will discuss about the reasons along with my perspective in the following paragraphs To begin with, there are numerous causes that money cannot bring happiness in individuals life. First and the foremost reason is that when everyone will take care and respect their elders. Then, automatically their will be happiness in the families. Secondly, if individuals are busy for earning money whole day then, they are not able to spend time with their families and they will have lot of burden of office and household work. These things can make gap between relationships and there will be no happiness in family. So, i think money cannot make people happy and it leads to stress. Moving further, money cannot bring happiness every time. For instance, number of of students are going to abroad for earning money but without their families, they are not happy at all the time and they start feeling homesickness. Due to this, they can they suffer problem related to health such as stress, with this problem students cannot even earn money and not feel happy. These are the causes which makes a people think that happiness has nothing to do with money. To conclude, no doubt happiness is most significant in everybody life. If individuals are not happy in their life then, they are not able to earn money as well as they will loss their temper because of lot of burden and stress.
Few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the most essential factor for obtaining
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
, while other opine that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
has nothing to do with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
. I
profoundly
disagree with this notion that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
vital for achieving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. I will
Did you mean simply "discuss the"? You do not need the word "about" here.
discuss about the
reasons along with my perspective in the following paragraphs To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, there are numerous causes that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
.
First
and the foremost reason is that when everyone will take care and respect their elders. Then,
automatically
their will be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
.
Secondly
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are busy for earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
whole day then, they are not able to spend time with their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
families and
they will have
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
burden of office and household work. These things can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
gap between relationships and there will be no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
family
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
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happy
and it leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
. Moving
further
,
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money
cannot bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
every time.
For instance
, number
Possible typo: you repeated a word
of of
students are
There isn't usually a preposition before "abroad". Did you mean "going abroad"?
going to abroad
for earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
families
, they are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
at all the
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
time and
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
feeling homesickness. Due to this, they can they suffer problem related to health such as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
, with this problem students cannot even earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and not feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
. These are the causes which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
has nothing to do with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
To conclude
, no doubt
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
is most significant in everybody
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
individuals
are not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
in their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
then, they are not able to earn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as well
as they will
"loss" is a noun. Did you mean the verb "lose" (= 'to lose')?
loss
their temper
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of
It seems that an article is missing.
lot of
burden and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that money is important to obtain happiness while other think that happiness has nothing to do with money. and give your opinion

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
279 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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