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SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT MONEY BRINGS HAPPINESS, OTHERS ARE OF THE OPINION THAT HAVING TOO MUCH MONEY IS A PROBLEM. Discuss both views and give your own idea.

SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT MONEY BRINGS HAPPINESS, OTHERS ARE OF THE OPINION THAT HAVING TOO MUCH MONEY IS A PROBLEM. 9aGJ3
People’s opinions differ as to whether or not money is the main source of happiness. Although there are some strong arguments against the view that problems when having too much money, I still believe that people should not define money as happiness. There are several reasons why I believe that having a plethora of money causes problems. Firstly, people who own a lot of money tend to lack feelings. For example, we are seeing a rise in parents concern about earning money more than their children in wealthy families. As a consequence, children become victims of psychological and behavioral problems, this seems to lose children’s sense of pleasure in order to adapt their parent’s real needs that is money. Secondly, it is almost absolutely easy for the rich to fall into social evils because of their demand or cupid. Besides, for some people, they define happiness as something deeper such as getting a sense of achievement from their work or raising their children up, since they are aware that not only happiness stems from money but also from another in life. On the other hand, it is undeniable that money brings some obvious benefits As owning a lot of money, we could buy everything we want such as a bigger house or a better car. In addition, the rich have more opportunities to broaden their relationship than the poor, they meet many people who have the same family circumstances as theirs. Obviously, money creates us the best condition to enhance our quality of living. Furthermore, the more money we have, the more power we gain, we have authority in dilemma situations. In conclusion, it is a difficult factor to state clearly and in detail that money decides whether happiness or not, because it is particular to each individual. Personally, I do approve of the view that having much money completely has a negative impact on our lives if we do not know how to balance.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People’s
opinions differ
Wordiness: Consider shortening this phrase.
as to whether or not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is the main source of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
. Although there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strong arguments against the view that problems when having too much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, I
still
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should not define
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as happiness.

There are several reasons why I believe that having a plethora of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
causes problems.
Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
tend to lack feelings.
For example
, we are seeing a rise in parents concern about earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
more than their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in wealthy families. As a consequence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
become victims of psychological and behavioral problems, this seems to lose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
sense of pleasure in order to adapt their parent’s real needs
that is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
Secondly
, it is almost
absolutely
easy for the rich to fall into social evils
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their demand or cupid.
Besides
, for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, they define
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
as something deeper such as getting a sense of achievement from their work or raising their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
up, since they are aware that not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
stems from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
from another in life.

On the other hand
, it is undeniable that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
brings
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
obvious benefits

As owning
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, we could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
everything we want such as a bigger
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
or a better car.
In addition
, the rich have more opportunities to broaden their relationship than the poor, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who have the same family circumstances as theirs.
Obviously
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
creates us the best condition to enhance our quality of living.
Furthermore
, the more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
we have, the more power we gain, we have authority in dilemma situations.

In conclusion
, it is a difficult factor to state
clearly
and in detail that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
decides whether
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
or not,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is particular to each individual.

Personally
, I do approve of the view that having much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
completely has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
if we do not know how to balance.
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IELTS essay SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE THAT MONEY BRINGS HAPPINESS, OTHERS ARE OF THE OPINION THAT HAVING TOO MUCH MONEY IS A PROBLEM.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
325 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
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