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Some people believe that modern high technology is transforming the way we work and is benefit to all of society. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people believe that modern high technology is transforming the way we work and is benefit to all of society. v. 1
Education is the most powerful tool for the development of a nation. Certain individuals think that the knowledge from the curriculum is enough to succeed in life, whereas others believe that activities other than curriculum provides all the factors to achieve big in life. In the following paragraphs, we are going to see the merits and demerits of both sides. Firstly, academics provide the basic knowledge of all the domains, so that when children pass-out from schools, they will get an idea on which subject is their career option. This is a foundation and aspiration for the children to become professionals like, doctors, scientists, engineers, etc. , who lead any country in the direction of excellence. For Example, a study from Oxford University states that academics in 4th to 10th grade has inculcated the passion in science for 67% of the scientists in NASA. Secondly, in this fast-moving world, children who achieve well in academics are the ones getting all the opportunities such as, admission to higher studies, scholarships, job opportunities, etc. . So, there is nothing wrong in concentrating more on exams and curriculum to become the best which is needed for career growth. However, a nation needs the right mix of other professionals who have excelled in other areas as well, such as, singers, dancers, sportsmen, social workers, etc. . In addition, we should expose the children to a range of extracurricular activities to know their passion and decide their profession on what they really like. For instance, MahindraSingh Dhoni of Indian Cricket team has claimed that he got the interest in Cricket because his physical education teacher asked him to join the Cricket classes and after a few years, he realised that Cricket is his passion. Needless to say, activities apart from studies are equally important for a child to have better mental health and physical health. To recapitulate, on the one hand, academics lays a foundation for a child to compete in this world and also supports them to become the pioneer. On the other hand, the right proportion of extracurricular activities gives them some relaxation from the hectic schedule and monotony, which helps them to overcome any challenge with abundant mental and physical energy.
Education is the most powerful tool for the development of a nation. Certain individuals
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the knowledge from the curriculum is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to succeed in life, whereas others believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
than curriculum provides all the factors to achieve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
in life. In the following paragraphs, we are going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the merits and demerits of both sides.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
provide the basic knowledge of all the domains,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
pass-out from schools, they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
on which subject is their career option. This is a foundation and aspiration for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to become professionals like, doctors, scientists, engineers, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
who lead any country in the direction of excellence.
For Example
, a study from Oxford University states that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
in 4th to 10th grade has inculcated the passion in science for 67% of the scientists in NASA.
Secondly
, in this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
-moving world,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who achieve well in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
are the ones getting all the opportunities such as, admission to higher studies, scholarships, job opportunities, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, there is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
wrong
in concentrating more on exams and curriculum to become the best which
is needed
for career growth.

However
, a nation needs the right mix of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
professionals who have excelled in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
areas
as well
, such as, singers, dancers, sportsmen, social workers, etc.
Two consecutive dots
.
In addition
, we should expose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to a range of extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to know their passion and decide their profession on what they
really
like.
For instance
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
MahindraSingh
Possible spelling mistake found.
Dhoni
of Indian
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cricket
team has claimed that he
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
the interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cricket
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
his physical education teacher asked him to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cricket
classes and after a few years, he
Possible spelling mistake. 'realised' is British English.
realised
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Cricket
is his passion. Needless to say,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
apart from studies are
equally
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for a child to have better mental health and physical health.

To recapitulate, on the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
lays a foundation for a child to compete in this world and
also
supports them to become the pioneer. On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, the right proportion of extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
gives them
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relaxation from the hectic schedule and monotony, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to overcome any challenge with abundant mental and physical energy.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that modern high technology is transforming the way we work and is benefit to all of society. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
369 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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