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Some people believe that it is the government's responsibility to provide care and financial to support people after they retire. Others, however, think that individuals themselves saving money in their own care when they are old. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that it is the government's responsibility to provide care and financial to support people after they retire. Others, however, think that individuals themselves saving money in their own care when they are old. PVnEE
Some people claim that the authority should take responsibility for providing care and financial aid to assist senior citizens after they retire. Others argue that money for retirements can be saved by individuals during their working period. My essay below will clarify both two opinions and state my point of view in the conclusion. On the one hand, people should save money to fulfil their future needs more independently. In the case of developing countries or under developed nations, besides the welfare for old people, there are severe vital fields that need financial support from the government such as education, science, technology, etc. Therefore, individuals should share the burden of this pension for the government. For example, if people have stable salaries they can open saving accounts in the bank, buy government bonds, or invest in low-risk investment funds and they will receive the return for their old-age period in the future. In developed countries, pensions from the national budget almost help people afford them to fulfil their future needs. Meanwhile, some of them have personal hobbies that require more money, they should have their own savings to adapt to this. On the other hand, elderly people have the right to have financial support as they had paid taxes throughout their working life. In other words, people contributed to the development of the country when they have the capacity to do, so they deserve to receive compensation for this when they reach old age. Indeed, some developed countries conducted retirement saving plans for their residents with severe merits and this could be considered as the financial assistance of the authority. Taking the 401(k) plan in the USA, for instance, it is very simple to enrol, accompanied by tax incentive policies and the people who joined in it will receive funds after they reach 65 years old. In conclusion, it is necessary for people to have savings when they retire and the government should also provide financial aid for the elders. I strongly agree with both two opinions because each of them has specified advantages in a certain context.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
claim that the authority should take responsibility for providing care and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid to assist senior citizens after they retire. Others argue that money for retirements can
be saved
by individuals during their working period. My essay below will clarify both two opinions and state my point of view in the conclusion.

On the one hand,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should save money to fulfil their future needs more
independently
. In the case of developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
or under developed nations,
besides
the welfare for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, there are severe vital fields that need
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
such as education, science, technology, etc.
Therefore
, individuals should share the burden of this pension for the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
.
For example
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have stable salaries they can open
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
accounts in the bank,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
bonds, or invest in low-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
investment
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
funds and
they will receive the return for their
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
-age period in the future. In developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
, pensions from the national budget almost
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
afford them to fulfil their future needs. Meanwhile,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
of them have personal hobbies that require more money, they should have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
to adapt to this.

On the other hand
, elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the right to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
support as they had paid taxes throughout their working life.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
contributed to the development of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
country
when they have the capacity to do,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they deserve to receive compensation for this when they reach
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age.
Indeed
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
countries
conducted retirement
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
saving
plans for their residents with severe merits and this could
be considered
as the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
assistance of the authority. Taking the 401(k) plan in the USA,
for instance
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
simple to enrol, accompanied by tax incentive policies and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in it will receive funds after they reach 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
.

In conclusion
, it is necessary for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
savings
when they retire and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
also
provide
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
aid for the elders. I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with both two opinions
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
each of them has specified advantages in a certain context.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that it is the government's responsibility to provide care and financial to support people after they retire. Others, however, think that individuals themselves saving money in their own care when they are old.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
348 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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