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Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their own personal happiness. Others argue that happiness can be affected by other factors. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their own personal happiness. Others argue that happiness can be affected by other factors. WmpN5
In this modern era staying happy is very difficult in such haptic life, a part of society opines that a person is responsible for its own happiness while, others argue that happiness could come from other resources than themselves. I will dissect the afforementioned statement along with some relevant examples in the subsequent paragraphs. On one hand people, believe themselves to be the reason for happiness on their faces by evidences, which can prove this. First and foremost, a person know about to him or her more and know from where he/she can bring smile on their faces to illustrate this point, human being with only indulge in those activities which can be helpful for staying happy. In addition to, for being in happy mood the person will think more about positive stance than negative, owing to the fact that, by changing their thinking into positive the development will be helpful in diminishing the stress level. So, this trend can bring happiness attitude to words person. Hence, individual is biggest factor for smile in his or her face. On the other hand, people faith that there are other ample of factors for happiness than individual. Primarily, sometimes some close relations can also be factor for a upraising the happiness in human being, such as family, friends, kins and folk can convert their anxiety into happiness. Furthermore, some precious items like some gadgets have a relation with ones and by seeing that happy the mood. For instance, children in their childhood, commonly demand for their bicycle and if gifted them surprisingly from their parents can make their day with full of happiness. To conclude, to my way of thinking, it is commonly depends on the persons for staying happy individually or by other factors.
In this modern era staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
difficult in such haptic life, a part of society opines that a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
is responsible for its
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
while, others argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
from
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
resources than themselves. I will dissect the
Possible spelling mistake found.
afforementioned
statement along with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
relevant examples in the subsequent paragraphs.

On one hand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, believe themselves to be the reason for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
on their faces by evidences, which can prove this.
First
and foremost, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
know about to him or her more and know from where he/she can bring smile on their faces to illustrate this point, human being with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
indulge in those activities which can be helpful for staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
.
In addition
to, for being in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
mood the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
more about
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
stance than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
, owing to the fact that, by changing their thinking into
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
the development will be helpful in diminishing the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
level.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, this trend can bring
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
attitude to words
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
person
.
Hence
, individual is
A determiner is probably missing here: "the biggest".
biggest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factor
for smile in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
his or her
face.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
faith that there are
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
ample of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
than individual.
Primarily
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
close relations can
also
be
Consider using a past participle here: "factored".
factor
for
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
upraising the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
in human being, such as family, friends,
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "kin", the plural form of the noun 'kin'?
kins
and folk can convert their anxiety into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happiness
.
Furthermore
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
precious items like
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
gadgets have a relation with ones and by seeing that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
the mood.
For instance
, children in their childhood,
commonly
demand for their bicycle and if gifted them
surprisingly
from their parents can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their day with full of happiness.

To conclude
, to my way of thinking, it is
commonly
depends on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
persons
for staying
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
happy
individually
or by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
factors
.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that individuals are responsible for their own personal happiness. Others argue that happiness can be affected by other factors.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
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