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Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60 it causes problems Do you agree or disagree v.1

Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60 it causes problems v. 1
Obesity, which is a condition of being overweight, is a rising concern for many people. Some people are of the view that by incorporating sports in all degree courses will help reduce obesity. In my opinion, I somewhat agree with the idea of making sport compulsory, while I also believe that there are other factors that need to be addressed. To begin with, making physical education classes a must in different degree courses will help people to keep fit. As people are getting overweight due to the increase in the sedentary life habits. For example, children and young adults spend more time playing video games and staying indoors, rather than playing any sports. Therefore, this module will encourage people to participate in various physical activities, which can help them to lose weight. However, there are further reasons to increase in obesity rates. Firstly, many people have poor eating habits. Because fast food is readily available and cheap, people tend to eat it rather than going for healthy alternative. If fattening products are made expensive, people might switch to nutritious food. Secondly, some people are genetically prone to be overweight. As a result, they can not control their weight but they can take some precautions to prevent weight increase. For instance, such people should balance their diet and perform regular exercise. In conclusion, although making sports a compulsory module will somehow help to decrease obesity epidemic, while other factors should also be kept in mind. If all the factors are equally addressed, obesity rate will reduce.
Obesity, which is a condition of being overweight, is a rising concern for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the view that by incorporating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in all degree courses will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
obesity. In my opinion, I somewhat
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
compulsory, while I
also
believe that there are other factors that need to
be addressed
.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, making physical education classes a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
degree courses will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
fit.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are getting overweight due to the increase in the sedentary life habits.
For example
, children and young adults spend more time playing video games and staying indoors,
rather
than playing any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
.
Therefore
, this module will encourage
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to participate in various physical activities, which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them to lose weight.

However
, there are
further
reasons to increase in obesity rates.
Firstly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have poor eating habits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
food is
readily
available and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
cheap
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
tend to eat it
rather
than going for healthy alternative. If fattening products
are made
expensive,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
might switch to nutritious food.
Secondly
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are
genetically
prone to be overweight.
As a result
, they can not control their weight
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they can take
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
precautions to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
weight increase.
For instance
, such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should balance their diet and perform regular exercise.

In conclusion
, although making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
a compulsory module will somehow
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
to decrease obesity epidemic, while other factors should
also
be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
in mind. If all the factors are
equally
addressed, obesity rate will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that if people are allowed to work after the age of 60 it causes problems v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
255 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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