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Some people believe that high school shall teach academic subjects like physics and math, others believe it shall teach applied subjects like bakery. Discuss both view and give your opinion v.2

Some people believe that high school shall teach academic subjects like physics and math, others believe it shall teach applied subjects like bakery. 2
One of the widely discussed issues nowadays is that children in schools ought to be taught academic subjects such as physics and math, while there are others who argue that schools should have applied subjects like bakery. In my opinion, while schools mostly have academic subjects, I believe that children should choose what to study by themselves. On the one hand, it is commonly believed that schools teach children to academic subjects as it is beneficial for them in future life. In other words, subject such as math and physics are essential for all individuals as it helps to enter to the university or to secure a good job. For example, in Uzbekistan children at high school have math lessons every day, as in order to enter to any university students should pass math exams. On the other hand, according to some, children should learn applied subjects as bakery as it can help them to find a job straight after school. This is because bakery industry is the most developing sphere in business world and companies suffer in order to find employees. As a result, companies and businesses hire young people to their business right after the school. Finally, I consider that children should choose the subjects to learn by themselves. As only children know what kind of jobs do they want to have in future and what kind of talents do they want to improve. Another point to consider is that when people make a choice by themselves they feel more happier. In conclusion, although math and physics can help children to secure a good job in future and become successful, I consider that all children should have a freedom of choice.
One of the
widely
discussed issues nowadays is that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
ought to
be taught
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
such as physics and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
math
, while there are others who argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should have applied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
like bakery. In my opinion, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
mostly
have academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should choose what to study by themselves.

On the one hand, it is
commonly
believed that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as it is beneficial for them in future life.
In other words
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subject
such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
math
and physics are essential for all individuals as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to enter to the university or to secure a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
.
For example
, in Uzbekistan
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
at high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
math
lessons every day, as in order to enter to any university students should pass
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
math
exams.

On the other hand
, according to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should learn applied
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
as bakery as it can
In informal texts, 'to' is not necessary. Do you mean "help them find"?
help them to find
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
straight after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
bakery industry is the most developing sphere in business world and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
suffer in order to find employees.
As a result
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
and businesses hire young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to their business right after the school.

Finally
, I consider that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should choose the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
subjects
to learn by themselves. As
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
know what kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
do they want to have in future and what kind of talents do they want to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
. Another point to consider is that when
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a choice by themselves they feel
Use only "happier" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more happier
.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
math
and physics can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to secure a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
in future and become successful, I consider that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should have
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "freedom".
a freedom
of choice.
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that high school shall teach academic subjects like physics and math, others believe it shall teach applied subjects like bakery. 2

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
283 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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