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some people believe that government should take the responsiblity of aged people while others believe that its individual responsibility. discuss both the views and opinion v.1

some people believe that government should take the responsiblity of aged people while others believe that its individual responsibility. 1
There is no doubt that old age people are growing rapidly in each country. I support the view that the government should be considering aid for elderly people, others argue that it is their own management to tackle by themselves. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and explain my support for the latter view. Firstly, those days after retirement are precious for old people. For example, retired people have been saving their entire pension money into the banks which helps the government to boost the economy of their country. In other words, the government is securing their money in a bank, and in turn spending for them during retirement age so that it will help them to lead a better life by not depending on others. If the government is not supporting them when it is needed, then I believe it will be hard for them to sustain in the retirement age. On the other hand, The reason why I disagree with retired people should take care of themselves is that it is difficult for them to handle the expenses of monthly bills. For instance, they cannot work in any of the streams due to age constraints. As a result, this makes them running short of money, and hard for them to pay hospital and food expenses. Furthermore, the depression of being in a retirement home leads to health issues because of less money and no proper support from the government. In conclusion, it seems to me that the government should be encouraged elderly people after their retirement by considering the above-mentioned opinion and they are good enough to receive support from the government for their support to the country's development throughout their life
There is no doubt that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are growing
rapidly
in each country. I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
the view that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should be considering aid for elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, others argue that it is their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
management to tackle by themselves. In this essay, I will discuss both sides of the argument and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
explain
my
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
for the latter view.

Firstly
, those days after
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
are precious for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
For example
, retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have been saving their entire pension
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
into the banks which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
to boost the economy of their country. In
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
words, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is securing their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in a bank, and in turn spending for them during
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that it will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to lead a better life by not depending on others. If the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
is not supporting them when it
is needed
, then I believe it will be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to sustain in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
age.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand, The reason why I disagree with retired
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should take care of themselves is that it is difficult for them to handle the expenses of monthly bills.
For instance
, they cannot work in any of the streams due to age constraints.
As a result
, this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them running short of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
for them to pay hospital and food expenses.
Furthermore
, the depression of being in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
home leads to health issues
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and no proper
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.

In conclusion
, it seems to me that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should
be encouraged
elderly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
after their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
retirement
by considering the above-mentioned
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
opinion and
they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
enough
to receive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
from the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
support
to the country's development throughout their life
10Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay some people believe that government should take the responsiblity of aged people while others believe that its individual responsibility. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
288 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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