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Some People Believe That Competitive Sports, Both Team and Individual, Have No Place in the School Curriculum. How Far Do You Agree or Disagree?

Some People Believe That Competitive Sports, Both Team and Individual, Have No Place in the School Curriculum. How Far QlPkx
Some people claim that it is not necessary to place competitive sports in the school curriculum. I strongly disagree with this idea because from my point of view for the following reasons the advantages of competitive sports more than it disadvantages. First of all, I want to say that sports teach students that they have to work harder to get better results. With greater effort in sport comes greater improvement in a variety of different areas like skills, fitness, teamwork and potentially awards. Constant effort to improve all skills also helps students in their academic progress. The next important factor is build of camaraderie and teamwork. Team sports are one of the best examples to illustrate the benefits of team works. Working together towards a common goal is one of the most effective ways to grow camaraderie and friendship. Fotrhermore the competitive sports teach to students respond appropriately to frustration and failure. Engraining good sportsmanship early can ensure students carry these good practices across every aspect of their lives and into their adulthood. Given that in today's stressful world, the skills to cope with frustration are so important. Overall, competition sometimes makes children feel stressful and tired, Increases risk of injury, focus a lot on winning and less on fun, and lose the desire to learn other skills; however, competitive sports are necessary for them to improve their abilities. Consequently, by following some simple but important ways, we can reduce the potential negative effects of competitive sports and benefit more from it.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
claim that it is not necessary to place
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
in the school curriculum. I
strongly
disagree with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
from my point of view for the following reasons the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
more than it disadvantages.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, I want to say that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
work harder to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
better results. With greater effort in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
greater improvement in a variety of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
areas like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
, fitness, teamwork and
potentially
awards. Constant effort to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
in their academic progress. The
next
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factor is build of camaraderie and teamwork. Team
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are one of the best examples to illustrate the benefits of team works. Working together towards a common goal is one of the most effective ways to grow camaraderie and friendship.
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fotrhermore
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
teach to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
respond
appropriately
to frustration and failure. Engraining
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
sportsmanship early can ensure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
carry these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
practices across every aspect of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and into their adulthood.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Given
that in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's stressful world, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
to cope with frustration are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

Overall
, competition
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
children feel stressful and tired, Increases
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injury, focus a lot on winning and less on fun, and lose the desire to learn other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
skills
;
however
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are necessary for them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their abilities.
Consequently
, by following
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
simple
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
ways, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the potential
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
competitive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
and benefit more from it.
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IELTS essay Some People Believe That Competitive Sports, Both Team and Individual, Have No Place in the School Curriculum. How Far

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
252 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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