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Some people believe that companies should be allowed to collect data about customers freely, while others believe this practice should be restricted. Discuss both sides of this issue. v.2

Some people believe that companies should be allowed to collect data about customers freely, while others believe this practice should be restricted. v. 2
People are divided on the perspective of doing the same sort of a duty in a particular organization for their whole life. While it is often thought by some that it is better to continue in a same office until retirement. In my opinion, I consider that the best way to become successful in terms of a career is to gain the experience in several companies. On the one hand, there are a wide variety of reasons why masses prefer working in a particular sector. To begin with, convenience of performing the same kind of a task for a long period of time can be taken into account. For instance, many workers absolutely adore their 9am to 5am schedule for complete working life. Another main cause of giving preference to same routine job is the bright chances of acquiring the promotion. To illustrate, If an employee shows loyalty, he will get more chances to gain the managerial position. Thus, it is clear that it might be beneficial for a person to not change the career. On the other hand, a myriad of proponents propose that hopping from one career to another is fruitful and I agree. Firstly, having a range of experiences definitely provides better opportunities to excel in a variety of fields. In this way, a person will become highly skilled which will give him an opportunity to apply for numerous well paid posts. Secondly, there will be no stress of the market recession in the mind of a labour. An individual can easily join progressing disciplines, when he will equip himself with a variety of skills. Therefore, it seems to me that there are more positive aspects of continuously searching for better attractive fields. In conclusion, While people have different opinions regarding the job continuity, I believe that the beneficial aspects of changing work are definitely more than sticking to one designation in a business sector.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
are divided
on the perspective of doing the same
If 'sort' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "sort of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
sort of a
duty in a particular organization for their whole life. While it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
that it is better to continue in a same office until retirement. In my opinion, I consider that the best way to become successful in terms of a career is to gain the experience in several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
companies
.

On the one hand, there are a wide variety of reasons why masses prefer working in a particular sector. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, convenience of performing the same
If 'kind' is a classification term, 'a' is not necessary. Use "kind of". (The phrases 'kind of' and 'sort of' are informal if they mean 'to some extent'.)
kind of a
task for a long period of time can
be taken
into account.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
workers
absolutely
adore their 9am to 5am schedule for complete working life. Another main cause of giving preference to same routine job is the bright chances of acquiring the promotion. To illustrate, If an employee
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
loyalty, he will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
more chances to gain the managerial position.
Thus
, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that it might be beneficial for a person to not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
the career.

On the other hand
, a myriad of proponents
Possible agreement error. Did you mean "proposes"? (Some collective nouns can be treated as both singular and plural, so 'propose' is not always incorrect.)
propose
that hopping from one career to another is fruitful and I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
.
Firstly
, having a range of experiences definitely provides better opportunities to excel in a variety of fields. In this way, a person will become
highly
skilled which will give him an opportunity to apply for numerous well paid posts.
Secondly
, there will be no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of the market recession in the mind of a
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
. An individual can
easily
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
progressing disciplines, when he will equip himself with a variety of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.
Therefore
, it seems to me that there are more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspects of
continuously
searching for better attractive fields.

In conclusion
, While
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions regarding the job continuity, I believe that the beneficial aspects of changing work are definitely more than sticking to one designation in a business sector.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that companies should be allowed to collect data about customers freely, while others believe this practice should be restricted. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
318 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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