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Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of timeDo you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience. v.13

Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time v. 13
In this day and age, more and more contemporary attention has been placed on whether it is necessary for the government to invest in space exploration. In my opinion, the amount of money spent on such projects is justifiable, whereas there are several areas that also need to be invested in. The quest for a new homeland in the universe is necessary. To be more specific, humans are destroying their own planet by cutting down trees and releasing more waste, which indirectly leads to the demise of the planet in the future. For instance, according to the research, the problem of climate change is getting worse and having devastating effects on the planet such as global warming. The increasing number of droughts, intense storms that cause of global warming as same as the dramatic increase of sea level that results in the disappearance of large areas. Thus, the probe into space has begun to explore new homelands in the universe because the problem of climate change is irreversible. There are many urgent fields on the earth that require investment. Firstly, the lack of hospitals leads to the lower level of health care. This is because more and more people, especially in less developed areas, are suffering from diseases, but they cannot get treatment. Therefore, investing in building more hospitals or employing more doctors in undeveloped areas is needed, which would not only support people of unfortunate circumstances but also ensure the health service for the citizens. Secondly, the problem of low quality education is very urgent. In fact, many people go to schools but do not receive the necessary skills and to contribute to the society. Therefore, it is necessary for all members of the society to have a high quality education system by allocating funding for changing the curriculum in schools as well as putting theory into practice, which will open up opportunities for more productive and competitive labour markets. In conclusion, not only adopting a broader perspective on space exploration, but also investing money in education and health care is necessary methods.
In this day and age, more and more contemporary attention has
been placed
on whether it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
for the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to invest in space exploration. In my opinion, the amount of money spent on such projects is justifiable, whereas there are several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
that
also
need to
be invested
in.

The quest for a new homeland in the universe is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
. To be more specific, humans are destroying their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
planet by cutting down trees and releasing more waste, which
indirectly
leads to the demise of the planet in the future.
For instance
, according to the research, the problem of climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is getting worse and having devastating effects on the planet such as global warming. The increasing number of droughts, intense storms that cause of global warming as same as the dramatic increase of sea level that results in the disappearance of large
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
Thus
, the probe into space has begun to explore new homelands in the universe
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the problem of climate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
is irreversible.

There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
urgent fields on the earth that require investment.
Firstly
, the lack of hospitals leads to the lower level of health care. This is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
more and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
,
especially
in less developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
, are suffering from diseases,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they cannot
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
treatment.
Therefore
, investing in building more hospitals or employing more doctors in undeveloped
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
is needed
, which would not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
support
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
of unfortunate circumstances
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
ensure the health service for the citizens.
Secondly
, the problem of low quality education is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
urgent. In fact,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
go to schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
do not receive the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and to contribute to the society.
Therefore
, it is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
for all members of the society to have a high quality education system by allocating funding for changing the curriculum in schools
as well
as putting theory into practice, which will open up opportunities for more productive and competitive
Possible spelling mistake. 'labour' is British English.
labour
markets.

In conclusion
, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
adopting a broader perspective on space exploration,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
investing money in education and health care is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
necessary
methods.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of time v. 13

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
344 words
7.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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  • Some people believe that children's leisure activities must be educational, otherwise they are a complete waste of timeDo you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your experience. v.13