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Some people believe that children leisure activities must be educational, otherwise, they are a complete waste of time. Do you agree or disagree?

Some people believe that children leisure activities must be educational, otherwise, they are a complete waste of time. 7oa3
Nowadays, parents are concerned about their children education. They believe that if their children do educational extra curriculum activities, then young children will increase their opportunities for higher education and eventually get a good job. However, I believe that spare or leisure time to do various types of activities should be spent on entertaining and fun activities for the benefit of the children's sane state of mind. To begin with, the parents who do not allow their children sufficient free time for outside school activities such as sports, music and arts are misguided since they believe it is a waste of time for children because they are not academic. In contrast, these activities provide many subject benefit children can learn physical coordination with team work important social lessons about winning and losing when they do sports. They acquire co-operation and organizational skills and they develop self-discipline beneficial for later in life. Besides, they can develop their imagination and creativity. As a result, fun and leisure activities contribute to the physical and mental development of a child. On the other hand, parents favoring educational activities as one of their significant priorities believe children can increase their knowledge since they want them to strengthen the knowledge that would guide them to greener pastures. Hence, they can have a strong basic theory with which they can deal with competitive subjects in high school or university even in the workplace. Young children can absorb memorize information more easily than adults. However, children must be willing to learn extra classes without their parents forcing them. If children are unwilling, it could have a negative impact on them, especially their mental health. In conclusion. I think it is also important to realize that children need to relax as well as learn. If anything they must focus on the educational or academic relevance while at school. In the afternoon, they get tired and bored of studying. There should be a balance between leisure and academic time.
Nowadays,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are concerned
about their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
education. They
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
do educational extra curriculum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, then young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
will increase their opportunities for higher education and
eventually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
job.
However
, I
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
that spare or leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do various types of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
should
be spent
on entertaining and fun
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
for the benefit of the children's sane state of mind. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
sufficient free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for outside school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as sports, music and arts
are misguided
since they
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
it is a waste of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are not academic.
In contrast
, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
provide
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
subject benefit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can learn physical coordination with team work
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
social lessons about winning and losing when they do sports. They acquire co-operation and organizational
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
skills and
they develop self-discipline beneficial for later in life.
Besides
, they can develop their imagination and creativity.
As a result
, fun and leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
contribute to the physical and mental development of a child.
On the other hand
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
favoring educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as one of their significant priorities
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
believe
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can increase their knowledge since they want them to strengthen the knowledge that would guide them to greener pastures.
Hence
, they can have a strong basic theory with which they can deal with competitive subjects in high school or university even in the workplace. Young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
can absorb memorize information more
easily
than adults.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be willing to learn extra classes without their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
forcing them. If
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are unwilling, it could have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impact on them,
especially
their mental health.
In conclusion
. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is
also
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to realize that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to relax
as well
as learn. If anything they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
focus on the educational or academic relevance while at school. In the afternoon, they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired and
In standard English it's more accepted to use "bored with" or "bored by".
bored of
studying. There should be a balance between leisure and academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
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IELTS essay Some people believe that children leisure activities must be educational, otherwise, they are a complete waste of time.

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
329 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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