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Some people believe that a good way to reduce crime is longer sentences. Others may think there are alternative ways to this problem. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some people believe that a good way to reduce crime is longer sentences. Others may think there are alternative ways to this problem. v. 2
In recent years, there are two different opinions, one of which is that people without regular earnings have more hardship of attending colleges, the other of which is that individuals with abundant salaries have difficulties in entering the universities. But, I am personally in favour of the former. To begin with, the students who have been undergoing the poverty are absolutely less likely to attend the colleges than anyone. In the first place, it is needless to say that the teenagers without sufficient incomes have seldom acquired the knowledge of primary and fundamental courses than other pupils living in wealthy families, as students dwelling poor families do not have sufficient money to attend school or educational institutions. As a current survey, in Korea, there are thousands academic institutions of assisting to upgrade high school students' test scores and informing how to pass the exam of colleges. So, it naturally generates the learning gap between both groups. To illustrate in detail, students struggled with financial problems are highly likely to get low scores than other pupils in that they cannot enjoy any supporting and getting several useful advices from expensive-private educational institutions. Another point worth mentioning is that considering living condition, undergraduates who reside in poorer families are likely to choose to get a job, rather then to enrol in the universities. As widely reported, poverty deters numerous high school students who live in destitute houses from attending the colleges in that they do not want to burden to their parents, and also they might think earning money is economically and immediately reasonable and worthwhile than studying in order to make money in the future. However, on the contrary, the students dwelling in rich houses are no need to ponder about whether to go to the college or not, because they can effortlessly pay their admission fees of colleges. In conclusion, what kinds of type people have further troubles attending the universities is still debatable. But, I am personally convinced that the students with financial problems are harder to enter higher educational institutions than students without any concerns of money.
In recent years, there are two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
opinions, one of which is that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
without regular earnings have more hardship of attending colleges, the other of which is that individuals with abundant salaries have difficulties in entering the universities.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I am
personally
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of the former.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who have been undergoing the poverty are
absolutely
less likely to attend the colleges than anyone. In the
first
place, it is needless to say that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
without sufficient incomes have seldom acquired the knowledge of primary and fundamental courses than other pupils living in wealthy families, as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
dwelling poor families do not have sufficient
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
to attend school or educational institutions. As a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
current
survey, in Korea, there are thousands academic institutions of assisting to upgrade high school students'
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
scores and informing how to pass the exam of colleges.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it
naturally
generates the learning gap between both groups. To illustrate in detail,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
struggled with financial problems are
highly
likely to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
low scores than other pupils in that they cannot enjoy any supporting and getting several useful advices from expensive-private educational institutions.

Another point worth mentioning is that considering living condition, undergraduates who reside in poorer families are likely to choose to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job,
rather
Did you mean "than"? 'than' is used for comparisons, 'then' is an expression of time.
then
to enrol in the universities. As
widely
reported, poverty deters numerous high school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
in destitute
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
from attending the colleges in that they do not want to burden to their parents, and
also
they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
earning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is
economically
and immediately reasonable and
Use "(worthwhile)" to make a comparison with this adjective.
worthwhile
than studying in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in the future.
However
,
on the contrary
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
dwelling in rich
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
houses
are no need to ponder about whether to go to the college or not,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they can
effortlessly
pay their admission fees of colleges.

In conclusion
, what kinds of type
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have
further
troubles attending the universities is
still
debatable.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, I am
personally
convinced that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
with financial problems are harder to enter higher educational institutions than
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
without any concerns of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people believe that a good way to reduce crime is longer sentences. Others may think there are alternative ways to this problem. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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