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Some people believe money is the best gift for teenegers, while others disagree. Discuss both view and give your opinion. v.1

Some people believe money is the best gift for teenegers, while others disagree. v. 1
In recent times, children have been given money either as a token of love or as a gesture of acceptance, but several people think that this has many negative impacts. Others viewing this is the best thing to do for those who are in teenage years. In my opinion, I support the latter’s concepts. On the one hand, those who support giving money as a reward for children who are aged between 13 to 19 point out that this money would enable them to purchase something useful And I, personally believe in this idea. In other words, having gifted money, they could buy a necessary equipment, which support their educational requirements. Take mobile phones as an example, these days, it has become one of the primary sources of knowledge that nobody can deny that the application of this in various fields, with the amount, they could afford having one; eventually, most of these teenage students would perform even better with this device. However, despite the above argument, the opponents of this belief advocate that when a teenager is gifted money, this can be utilised for unlawful acts: buying drugs, drinking alcohol, engaging anti-social activities. Apart from these, they may not understand the value of money and the amount of hard behind earning this. Although parents or well wishers give monies with a positive intention, many times this leads the young people to engage anti-social activities. A recent research has been published that conducted among millennials, report that those who are receiving a pocket money in a regular interval tend to be more spoiled than others. In conclusion, while many argue that money is evil and children, who belonged to the teenage category, should not presented any money, I again reaffirm that totally against this, instead children should be taught how to use this effectively to have a better life.
In recent times,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have been
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
either as a token of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
or as a gesture of acceptance,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
several
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that this has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
impacts. Others viewing this is the best thing to do for those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are in teenage years. In my opinion, I support the latter’s concepts.

On the one hand, those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
support giving
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
as a reward for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 13 and 19".
between 13 to 19
point out that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
would enable them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
something useful And I,
personally
believe in this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
.
In other words
, having gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, they could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
a necessary equipment, which support their educational requirements. Take mobile phones as an example, these days, it has become one of the primary sources of knowledge that nobody can deny that the application of this in various fields, with the amount, they could afford
If 'afford' is used as a verb, it usually requires the infinitive: "to have".
having
one;
eventually
, most of these teenage students would perform even better with this device.

However
, despite the above argument, the opponents of this belief advocate that when a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
is gifted
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, this can be
Possible spelling mistake. 'utilised' is British English.
utilised
for unlawful acts: buying drugs, drinking alcohol, engaging anti-social activities. Apart from these, they may not understand the value of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
and the amount of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
behind earning this. Although parents or
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
well wishers
give monies with a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
intention,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
times this leads the young
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to engage anti-social activities. A recent research has
been published
that conducted among millennials, report that those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
are receiving a pocket
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
in a regular interval tend to be more spoiled than others.

In conclusion
, while
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
argue that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
is evil and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
belonged to the teenage category, should not
The verb 'should' requires the base form of the verb: "present"
presented
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
money
, I again reaffirm that
totally
against this,
instead
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be taught
how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
this
effectively
to have a better life.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS essay Some people believe money is the best gift for teenegers, while others disagree. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
309 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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