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Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v.1

Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v. 1
Nowadays, it is becoming a trend to have two or more jobs. Even more, people tend to change their career at some point of their lives. Like the two sides of a coin, it has both benefits and drawbacks. This essay will elucidate about both negative and positive factors. To embark upon, it has a plethora of advantages. One of the main positive thing is that it opens the door of new possibilities. A career change also helps to gain knowledge and changed priorities. The trend of changing jobs makes you perfect to work with multicultural people and boost your confidence level. Moreover, A full time employees can also do some part time jobs and earned more money. For example, In foreign countries, international students are working extra shifts to earn more, so they can pay their bills and living expenses. Turning to the other side of an argument, it can be irrefutable that it has some major issues as well. When a person start a new career, they may face difficulties to settle in a new environment. They need to make own network and find space. Furthermore, the new employees are not getting easy promotions, they have to do more hard work to show their skills in a new company. Therefore, it takes some time to put yourself in good position in a new field. To recapitulate, it can be concluded that, starting a new job or doing several jobs have own pros and cons. People should work more than one job if they need more money otherwise one stable job is always best.
Nowadays, it is becoming a trend to have two or more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. Even more,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
their career at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
point of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
. Like the two sides of a coin, it has both benefits and drawbacks. This essay will elucidate about both
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
factors.

To embark upon, it has a plethora of advantages. One of the main
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
thing is that it opens the door of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
possibilities. A career
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
to gain knowledge and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
priorities. The trend of changing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
you perfect to work with multicultural
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
and boost your confidence level.
Moreover
, A full time employees can
also
do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
part time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
and earned more money.
For example
, In foreign countries, international students are working extra shifts to earn more,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they can pay their bills and living expenses.

Turning to the other side of an argument, it can be irrefutable that it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
major issues
as well
. When a person
Possible agreement error - use third-person verb forms for singular and mass nouns: "starts".
start
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
career, they may face difficulties to settle in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
environment. They need to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
network and find space.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
employees are not getting easy promotions, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
Therefore
, it takes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
time to put yourself in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
position in a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
field.

To recapitulate, it can
be concluded
that, starting a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
or doing several
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
pros and cons.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
should work more than one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
if they need more money
otherwise
one stable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
is always best.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay Some people believe it's essential for a person's education to learn to play a musical instrument. Others don't believe music education is important. Which view do you agree with? Explain why. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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