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Some people believe increasing business and cultural contacts between countries are a positive development while others argue that it is a threat to identity of a nation? Discuss both view and give your opinion? v.1

Some people believe increasing business and cultural contacts between countries are a positive development while others argue that it is a threat to identity of a nation? v. 1
Nowadays, child obesity has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this problem can be attributed to a whole host of reasons, some feasible solutions can be considered to address this. There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of childhood obesity. First, since eating habits of today’s children are more unhealthy than that of previous generations, they tend to consume too much fast food, candy, and sugary drinks. In fact, these foods are very high in fat and sugars, but low in vitamins and minerals, which can cause kids to gain weight quickly. Second, by having sedentary lifestyles, modern kids tend to watch TV, browse the internet or play computer games instead of playing outside or doing sport. As a consequence, they are becoming increasingly obese. There are several actions that could be taken to mitigate the problem mentioned above. Firstly, in order to ensure children have a healthy diet, parents are required to choose the daily foodstuffs carefully. For example, they should favour organic foods, like clean fruits, vegetables or meats, over processed foods, which leads to the fit body for their kids. Secondly, if parents restrict the time their children spend on sedentary activities and encourage them to take regular exercise, they would help their kids have more chance to do sports and other social activities. This means that by burning excess calories that otherwise would be stored as fat, these physical activities would help them control their weight. In conclusion, there are various factors leading to the increase in child obesity and measures should be implemented to tackle this issue.
Nowadays, child obesity has been receiving a great deal of public attention. Although this problem can
be attributed
to a whole host of reasons,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
feasible solutions can
be considered
to address this.

There are a number of reasons for the rising levels of childhood obesity.
First
, since eating habits of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s children are more unhealthy than that of previous generations, they tend to consume too much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
fast
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
, candy, and sugary drinks. In fact, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
high in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
and sugars,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
low in vitamins and minerals, which can cause
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to gain weight
quickly
. Second, by having sedentary lifestyles, modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
tend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV, browse the internet or play computer games
instead
of playing outside or doing sport. As a consequence, they are becoming
increasingly
obese.

There are several actions that could
be taken
to mitigate the problem mentioned above.
Firstly
, in order to ensure children have a healthy diet, parents
are required
to choose the daily foodstuffs
carefully
.
For example
, they should
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
organic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, like clean fruits, vegetables or meats, over processed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
foods
, which leads to the fit body for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
.
Secondly
, if parents restrict the time their children spend on sedentary activities and encourage them to take regular exercise, they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
have more chance to do sports and other social activities. This means that by burning excess calories that
otherwise
would
be stored
as
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
, these physical activities would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them control their weight.

In conclusion
, there are various factors leading to the increase in child obesity and measures should
be implemented
to tackle this issue.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
To have another language is to possess a second soul.
Charlemagne

IELTS essay Some people believe increasing business and cultural contacts between countries are a positive development while others argue that it is a threat to identity of a nation? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
268 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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