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Some people argue that it is not wise for and industries to replace its experienced but old workers with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. To what extend do you agree or dis agree? v.1

Some people argue that it is not wise for and industries to replace its experienced but old workers with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. v. 1
A large number of criminals who serve their first lockup sentence, released, only to commit crime again. This is mainly because of the lack of rehabilitation and difficulty finding regular employment once released. There are a number of solutions which should be implemented to deal with criminals who offend. Firstly, the reason for most first-time offenders to commit crimes again, once they have been released from confinement, is the lack of rehabilitation whilst in jail. In other words, offenders are not given a chance to retrain and learn new skills for their future or develop a deeper understanding of correct moral behaviour. Instead, they mix with other criminals which only strengthens their criminal intentions. Secondly, repeat offending is also owing to the difficulty in finding employment after being released. As a result, many of them struggle financially and this forces them to go back to crime regardless of the consequences. There are two effective solutions to the problem of repeat offenders. One way to tackle this is to ensure that all criminals entering prison are given the chance to acquire useful skills which will hopefully ensure them a job after they have served their sentence. By doing this, they can get integrated back into the society and also find some means to support themselves financially. Another method of dealing with criminals who offend is to have more supervision and checks in place when they are back in society. This solution would hopefully prevent them from taking any chances and deter them from offending because they are being watched closely. In conclusion, providing vocational training in jail and monitoring their activities once they are out of prison are effective ways to deal with this issue. If governments implemented these solutions, crime figures would soon drop.
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
A large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
who serve their
first
lockup sentence,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
released
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
again. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the lack of rehabilitation and difficulty finding regular employment once
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
released
. There are a number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
which should
be implemented
to deal with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
who offend.

Firstly
, the reason for most
first
-time offenders to commit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crimes
again, once they have been
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
released
from confinement, is the lack of rehabilitation whilst in jail.
In other words
, offenders are not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
a chance to retrain and learn new
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
for their future or develop a deeper understanding of correct moral
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
.
Instead
, they mix with other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
strengthens their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminal
intentions.
Secondly
, repeat offending is
also
owing to the difficulty in finding employment after being
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
released
.
As a result
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them struggle
financially
and this forces them to go back to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
regardless of the consequences.

There are two effective
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
to the problem of repeat offenders. One way to tackle this is to ensure that all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
entering prison are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
the chance to acquire useful
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
which will
hopefully
ensure them a job after they have served their sentence. By doing this, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
integrated back into the society and
also
find
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
means to support themselves
financially
.

Another method of dealing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
criminals
who offend is to have more supervision and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
checks
in place when they are back in society. This
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solution
would
hopefully
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
them from taking any chances and deter them from offending
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are being
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
closely
.

In conclusion
, providing vocational training in jail and monitoring their activities once they are out of prison are effective ways to deal with this issue. If
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
governments
implemented these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
solutions
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
crime
figures would
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
soon
drop.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay Some people argue that it is not wise for and industries to replace its experienced but old workers with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
294 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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