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Some people argue that high sales of some popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising not the real need of consumer. Do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some people argue that high sales of some popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising not the real need of consumer. v. 1
It is undeniable that the span of life is changing day by day and year by year. Although some people still believe that past days are better, I would argue that the technological advancements and the development of countries are essential factors in making their lives better. To begin with, one of the most critical factors for seeking better lives is technology. The reason behind this is that it has a significant role in making life faster and more convenient than ever before. For instance, people have not been able to send a letter within a couple of seconds as emails do, and they have to wait weeks and sometimes months until it received. In contrast, if this letter included critical information was delayed or even lost, people would get lost and frustrated as well. Furthermore, nowadays, the development of countries is essential to obtain a decent lifestyle. Developed countries around the globe always have plans, whether for education, health, transportation and their aim are to see their citizens live in an appropriate life. To illustrate, the Canadian Government had recently established a new way for harvesting crops. Farmers in Canada are suffering from the bad weather almost all of the year that make it impossible for them to grow up, and by this way, the government is still searching for possible ways to make it easier for their people to live. In contrast, if this has not happened by the Canadian’s authorities, people would struggle in growing their crops. To conclude, this is my view that technology and development are vital factors for making people live in a decent way.
It is undeniable that the span of life is changing day by day and year by year. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
still
believe that past days are better, I would argue that the technological advancements and the development of countries are essential factors in making their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
better.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, one of the most critical factors for seeking better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lives
is technology. The reason behind this is that it has a significant role in making life faster and more convenient than ever
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
For instance
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have not been able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
a letter within a couple of seconds as emails do, and they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
wait weeks and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
months until it received.
In contrast
, if this letter included critical information
was delayed
or even lost,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
lost and frustrated
as well
.

Furthermore
, nowadays, the development of countries is essential to obtain a decent lifestyle.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Developed countries
around the globe always have plans, whether for education, health, transportation and their aim are to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their citizens
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in an appropriate life. To illustrate, the Canadian
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Government
had recently established a new way for harvesting crops. Farmers in Canada are suffering from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
weather almost
Consider using "all the".
all of the
year that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it impossible for them to grow up, and by this way, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
is
still
searching for possible ways to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
it easier for their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
.
In contrast
, if this has not happened by the Canadian’s authorities,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
would struggle in growing their crops.

To conclude
, this is my view that technology and development are vital factors for making
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
Consider replacing "in a decent way" with the adverb for "decent"; e.g., "in a hasty manner" with "hastily".
in a decent way
.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some people argue that high sales of some popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising not the real need of consumer. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
271 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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