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Some parents do not want their children to work part time while in school so that they can concentrate on their studies. Other parents believe their kids should learn to manage study and work duties as this teaches them certain skills they cannot learn at v.1

Some parents do not want their children to work part time while in school so that they can concentrate on their studies. Other parents believe their kids should learn to manage study and work duties as this teaches them certain skills they cannot learn at v. 1
In this complicated and advanced world, children' s success is every parent' s concern. Now, parents are divided into two types; the first group rather not to send their children to childhood work, and claim that their kids must be free to focus on their school rather than external disrupting duties, while others take the opposite perspective by stating that their children will be better skilled and ready for the future by managing school and work stuff simultaneously. I personally believe that, with keeping in mind both advantages and disadvantages of either group' s belief, the second view is better when it’s qualified, which will be demonstrated in the following statement. Children would better manage their time for their school life success, which is an important factor in future unsuccessfulness, if they just concentrate on their study. To put in simple, most of the children are not completely independent in their school-time, thus the more time they have the better they can handle the school by their own self. In contrast, there would be much pressure on them if they try to do working and school at the same time. More specifically, no need to say that children are not as powerful as adults, neither physically nor mentally. Therefore, by day-working and night-studying they will not be able to organize their time for well-doing at school. For example, I remember my brother who used to work at a factory. At first he did very well, but in meantime his performance lowered, and he not only did bad in his final exams but also got headaches and disease which made him to quit his part-time job. That being said, however, students will become skillful by working practically. In other words, there are lots of children out there working in companies for several hours, light work and not heavy, and they face what is happening in the real world. As a matter of explanation, it is vital for everyone to know what exactly stands for all those theoretical stuff their teachers teach them; this will be just a dream for them if they do not practice it by their hands, see it through the eyes, taste the difficulty by arms, and finally analyze it by their brain. To clarify, consider a physics equation about cars which explains how car engine works. Everybody knows that it will not be put better in student’s brain if they do not exactly see a car working by that equation. To illustrate, when kids switch wheels of cars, fix some engineering problems in trains, and drive some vehicle, they not only earn money and manage their time but also learn practically and physically. On contrary, children will not be well-prepared for their future occupation which is every individual' s life goal if they only stick in the theory of school. To simplify, every education is done in this world, tries its best to prepare people for convenient life which is not done until they have a source of revenue; part-time jobs beside the school makes students one step closer to their desired job in the future. To sum up, by assuming merits and drawbacks of both viewpoint, just focusing on school brings much time for learning theory of the best future work, which is everyone’s desire, but it is better done by practicing those theories in workplace. Therefore, working and studying parallel is great when the amount of time the students spend on work is managed thoughtfully by parents in case to not put children under heavy pressure.
In this complicated and advanced world,
children&
#039; s success is every
parent&
#039; s concern.
Now
, parents
are divided
into two types; the
first
group
rather
not to
send
their
children
to childhood
work
, and claim that their kids
must
be free to focus on their
school
rather
than external disrupting duties, while others take the opposite perspective by stating that their
children
will be
better
skilled and ready for the
future
by managing
school
and
work
stuff
simultaneously
. I
personally
believe that, with keeping in mind both advantages and disadvantages of either
group&
#039; s belief, the second view is
better
when it’s qualified, which will
be demonstrated
in the following statement.

Children would
better
manage their
time
for their
school
life success, which is an
important
factor in
future
unsuccessfulness
, if they
just
concentrate on their study. To put in simple, most of the
children
are not completely independent in their school-time,
thus
the more
time
they have the
better
they can handle the
school
by their
own
self.
In contrast
, there would be much pressure on them if they try to do
working
and
school
at the same
time
. More
specifically
, no need to say that
children
are not as powerful as adults, neither
physically
nor mentally.
Therefore
, by day-working and night-studying they will not be able to organize their
time
for well-doing at
school
.
For example
, I remember my brother who
used
to
work
at a factory. At
first he
did
very
well,
but
in meantime his performance lowered, and he not
only
did
bad
in his final exams
but
also
got
headaches and disease which made him to quit his part-time job.

That
being said
,
however
,
students
will become skillful by
working
practically
.
In other words
, there are lots of
children
out there
working
in
companies
for several hours, light
work
and not heavy, and they face what is happening in the real world. As a matter of explanation, it is vital for everyone to know what exactly stands for all those theoretical stuff their teachers teach them; this will be
just
a dream for them if they do not practice it by their hands,
see
it through the eyes, taste the difficulty by arms, and
finally
analyze it by their brain. To clarify, consider a physics equation about
cars
which
explains
how
car
engine works. Everybody knows that it will not
be put
better
in
student’s
brain if they do not exactly
see
a
car
working
by that equation. To illustrate, when kids switch wheels of
cars
,
fix
some
engineering problems in trains, and drive
some
vehicle, they not
only
earn money and manage their
time
but
also
learn
practically
and
physically
. On contrary,
children
will not be well-prepared for their
future
occupation which is every
individual&
#039; s life goal if they
only
stick in the theory of
school
. To simplify, every education
is done
in this world, tries its best to prepare
people
for convenient life which is not done until they have a source of revenue; part-time jobs beside the
school
makes
students
one step closer to their desired job in the future.

To sum up, by assuming merits and drawbacks of both viewpoint,
just
focusing on
school
brings much
time
for learning theory of the best
future
work
, which is everyone’s desire,
but
it is
better
done by practicing those theories in workplace.
Therefore
,
working
and studying parallel is great when the amount of
time
the
students
spend on
work
is managed
thoughtfully
by parents in case to not put
children
under heavy pressure.
22Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
53Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents do not want their children to work part time while in school so that they can concentrate on their studies. Other parents believe their kids should learn to manage study and work duties as this teaches them certain skills they cannot learn at v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
591 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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