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smoking not only harm the smoker, but also those who are nearby. therefore smoking should be banned in public places. to what extend do you agree or disagree? v.2

smoking not only harm the smoker, but also those who are nearby. therefore smoking should be banned in public places. v. 2
It is stated that, smoking is unhealthy for all whether it is active or passive smoking. Hence smoking should be banned in public places and in places where it is necessary to do so. However I strongly agree with the fact that smoking should be made illegal in public places as it contributes to many health issues. The argument which put forward in favour of legalised smoking in public areas is based on the idea that, it is a matter of freedom for individuals. In addition, those who stand against banning states that many bars and pubs may close down if there is no freedom to smoke inside, which may affect the business adversely and thus the economy as a whole. However it has been scientifically proved that, smoking whether it is active or passive has detrimental effect on health. For example, use off tobacco leads to different type of cancers such as lung, mouth, and throat cancer. Thus it is the responsibility of the government to make law in order to maintain the health of its citizens. More over human health is more important than business and economy. In other words, a country with unhealthy population can contribute nothing to its economy and prosperous. Hence a total ban on smoking in public places such as hospitals, bus stops, and churches where vulnerable people have frequent access is necessary. In conclusion, I strongly agree with the opinion that, smoking should be made illegal in public areas and it would be better to allot a place specifically for smoking in those places.
It
is stated
that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is unhealthy for all whether it is active or passive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be banned
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
and in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where it is necessary to do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
I
strongly
Consider using "agree that".
agree with the fact that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be made
illegal in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
as it contributes to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
issues.

The argument which put forward in
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
of
Possible spelling mistake. 'legalised' is British English.
legalised
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
areas
is based
on the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that, it is a matter of freedom for individuals.
In addition
, those who stand against banning states that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
bars and pubs may close down if there is no freedom to smoke inside, which may affect the business
adversely
and
thus
the economy as a whole.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
it has been
scientifically
proved that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
whether it is active or passive has detrimental effect on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
.
For example
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
off tobacco leads to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
type of cancers such as lung, mouth, and throat cancer.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is the responsibility of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
law in order to maintain the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of its citizens. More over human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
than business and economy.
In other words
, a country with unhealthy population can contribute nothing to its economy and prosperous.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Hence
a total ban on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
such as hospitals, bus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stops
, and churches where vulnerable
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have frequent access is necessary.

In conclusion
, I
strongly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the opinion that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should
be made
illegal in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
public
areas and it would be better to allot a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
place
specifically
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in those
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
24Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS essay smoking not only harm the smoker, but also those who are nearby. therefore smoking should be banned in public places. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
261 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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