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Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. v. 1
In the past, children had large amount of leisure time to do various types of works such as playing games, walking in the park and gossiping with others; but, now they have no free time due to the fact that this world is becoming more competitive in terms of educational activities. While I cogitate that this policy has some benefits, I believe that children should allow using their free time, and it has more advantages. On the one hand, there are some effective conveniences to the student life when they will occupy with study instead of wasting time by playing, walking, and gossiping. Firstly, by spending time with educational activities is one of the significant trends because student can increase their knowledge with this habit. This could result immense advantages to the students whenever they will confront their future life. Secondly, in some countries, it is not easy to admit in higher educated institute without great result so that students need learn whenever they get any time. For instance, many countries like Sudan have few universities although they have vast number of students. From above explanations it is apparent that children should utilize their time properly. On the other hand, it can be argued why kids require free time to spend their own ways. One important point is that the children, who expend their leisure time with play and other extracurricular activities, they can improve their mental as well as physical growth. As an example, if the students play cricket and football, they can learn leadership, responsibility, and so on. Another important point is that the practical knowledge of the students will increase if they involve with some extracurricular activities. As an example, many famous scientists like Einstein was always engaging with extracurricular activities rather than studying. This example makes it explicit that children should permit to use free time in order to increase their intelligence. In conclusion, it is consequential that children need to play besides the study in order to increase their basic knowledge. I deem that students should bestow some free time to use their own way that would be augmented to their bright future.
In the past,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
had large amount of leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to do various types of works such as playing games, walking in the park and gossiping with others;
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they have no
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
due to the fact that this world is becoming more competitive in terms of educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. While I cogitate that this policy has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
benefits, I believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
using their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and it has more advantages.

On the one hand, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
effective conveniences to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
life when they will occupy with study
instead
of wasting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
by playing, walking, and gossiping.
Firstly
, by spending
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
is one of the significant trends
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their knowledge with this habit. This could result immense advantages to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
whenever they will confront their future life.
Secondly
, in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
countries, it is not easy to admit in higher educated institute without great result
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
need learn whenever they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
any
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.
For instance
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
countries like Sudan have few universities although they have vast number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
. From above explanations it is apparent that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should utilize their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
properly
.

On the other hand
, it can
be argued
why kids require
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to spend their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
ways. One
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point is that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
, who expend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
with play and other extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
, they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their mental
as well
as physical growth. As an example, if the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
play cricket and football, they can learn leadership, responsibility, and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
point is that the practical knowledge of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
will
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
if they involve with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
. As an example,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
scientists like Einstein was always engaging with extracurricular
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
rather
than studying. This example
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
it explicit that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should permit to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their intelligence.

In conclusion
, it is consequential that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
need to play
besides
the study in order to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
increase
their basic knowledge. I deem that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
should bestow
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way that would
be augmented
to their bright future.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Language comes first. It’s not that language grows out of consciousness, if you haven’t got language, you can’t be conscious.
Alan Moore

IELTS essay Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
358 words
6
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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