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Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.2

Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. v. 2
Education acts a fundamental to the progress of a country, a community or an individual. Leisure time is very important for kids to relax themselves after hours of study. Many parents suggest that leisure activities should always be educational. This might have some advantages, but I believe that children must be allowed to choose their own recreational activities. To commence with, parents want their kids to be successful in life. Most of them have developed the notion that the only way to achieve is to work hard and concentrate on studies. Thus, they want the recreational activities to be educational in nature. This could help the kids gain some intellectual knowledge in their playing activities. For example, parents often play the game of city, animal and food with their children as it helps kids with spelling and general knowledge. On the other hand, spending free time on educational activities only, might irate  kids. They may feel that they have to study in their free time as well. This can cause stress to them and they might even lose interest in studies. Kids should be encouraged to play outdoor games, or to perform some art in their playing time. These activities relaxes and rejuvenates their mind. For instance, if kids play outdoor games regularly, then they attain better physical and mental health because physical exercise improves breathing and destroys fat cells and stress causing hormones. Therefore, students should be allowed to choose their leisure activities. To conclude, I think that having educational activities as recreation could be beneficial, if it is practiced on an irregular basis only. Parents should allow their children to watch television, play outdoor or indoor games as per their wish, in their free time. This would help children grow mentally and physically.
Education acts a fundamental to the progress of a country, a community or an individual. Leisure
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time
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for
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kids
to relax themselves after hours of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
suggest that leisure
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activities
should always be
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
. This might have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
advantages,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I believe that
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children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to choose their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
recreational activities.

To commence with,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
want their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
to be successful in life. Most of them have developed the notion that the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
way to achieve is to work
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
and concentrate on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
Thus
, they want the recreational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
to be
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educational
in nature. This could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
gain
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
intellectual knowledge in their playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
the game of city, animal and food with their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
as it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
with spelling and general knowledge.

On the other hand
, spending free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
, might irate
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
. They may feel that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
study
in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
as well
. This can cause
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
to
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they might even lose interest in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
studies
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Kids
should
be encouraged
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, or to perform
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
art in their playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
You should probably use "relax".
relaxes
and rejuvenates their mind.
For instance
, if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
kids
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
regularly
, then they attain better physical and mental health
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
physical exercise
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improves
breathing and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
destroys
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fat
cells and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
causing hormones.
Therefore
, students should be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
to choose their leisure activities.

To conclude
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that having
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
educational
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
as recreation could be beneficial, if it
is practiced
on an irregular basis
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Parents
should
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
television,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
play
outdoor or indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
as per their wish, in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. This would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
grow mentally and
physically
.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents believe children’s leisure activities should be always educational, but others think it will cause more pressure on children. v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
293 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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