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Some parents allow their children to live independently, away from home. Other parents don't want their teenage children to live away from them. Which do you think is better & Why? v.2

Some parents allow their children to live independently, away from home. Other parents don't want their teenage children to live away from them. Which do you think is better & Why? v. 2
It is undeniable that every parent has their own style to raise their children. Therefore, the vast majority of parents decided to send their children to other cities or countries to make them an independent individual, whereas, others insist their children to live with them. However, both viewpoints have their own justifications, but I am personally supporting the former viewpoint of parents with the detailed arguments in the following paragraphs. To begin with, some parents provide the liberty to their children about their choice of spending life and they support their offspring to live their own because they know that beyond the restrictions of their home, their kids could explore the best opportunities of a life and they could find a better job through which they could earn handsome amount of salary which is otherwise impossible if they would stay at their own home. In addition, while living an independent life children learn the various skills such as money management, punctuality. Indeed, there have been some recorded instances of children who live in the abroad countries without their parents and they could easily manage their priorities. Thus, the decision of parents to permit their children to live away from their own place is an absolute imperative. Conversely, some parents are much concerned, if their children opt to live separately, due to some reasons. As parents are attached to their kids that is why they have a fear of isolation because it is certainly difficult for them to live without their kids and they do not give permission to them to live in their own. In addition, some people think that if they will allow their children to stay away from their house, then they will indulge in a bad company which will spoil their future so they forbid their children from the individuality. For example, according to one research article, in India 60% youngsters have become drug addicts while staying at the hostels and other cities of the country. Overall, due to the emotional attachment and adoption of detrimental habits some parents have a desire to stay with their offsprings. In conclusion, it is true that everyone has a different perspective about the freedom of the children. As far as I concerned, it is enormously required to provide the freedom to the children to spend their life according to their own way so that they could escape the challenges and cope with the difficulties they may face while staying away from their parents and this decision of parents would be worthwhile in a long term.
It is undeniable that every
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parent
has their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
style to raise their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Therefore
, the vast majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
decided to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
send
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to other cities or countries to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them an independent individual, whereas, others insist their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
with them.
However
, both viewpoints have their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
justifications,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I am
personally
supporting the former viewpoint of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
with the detailed arguments in the following paragraphs.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
provide the liberty to their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
about their choice of spending
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they support their offspring to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they know that beyond the restrictions of their home, their kids could explore the best opportunities of a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
life and
they could find a better job through which they could earn handsome amount of salary which is
otherwise
impossible if they would stay at their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
home.
In addition
, while living an independent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
learn the various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
such as money management, punctuality.
Indeed
, there have been
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
recorded instances of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in the abroad countries without their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
parents and
they could
easily
manage their priorities.
Thus
, the decision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
to permit their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
away from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
place is an absolute imperative.

Conversely
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are much concerned, if their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
opt to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
separately
, due to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
reasons. As
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
are attached
to their kids
that is
why they have a fear of isolation
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it is
certainly
difficult for them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
without their
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
kids and
they do not give permission to them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
live
in their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that if they will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to stay away from their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
house
, then they will indulge in a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which will spoil their future
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they forbid their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
from the individuality.
For example
, according to one research article, in India 60% youngsters have become drug addicts while staying at the hostels and other cities of the country.
Overall
, due to the emotional attachment and adoption of detrimental habits
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
have a desire to stay with their
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
.

In conclusion
, it is true that everyone has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
perspective about the freedom of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
. As far as I concerned, it is
enormously
required to provide the freedom to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to spend their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
according to their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
way
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that they could escape the challenges and cope with the difficulties they may face while staying away from their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and this decision of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
would be worthwhile in a long term.
8.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8.5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parents allow their children to live independently, away from home. Other parents don't want their teenage children to live away from them. Which do you think is better & Why? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
425 words
8.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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