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Some parent say that giving expensive gifts to a child can create bad habits in him/her. do you agree or disagree? v.1

Some parent say that giving expensive gifts to a child can create bad habits in him/her. v. 1
It is argued that by some parents that bad behaviour would increase in children by giving luxury gifts to them. I completely agree with this statement, because costly gifts have a lot of negative effects in terms of personal and social aspects which be discussed in the following essay. First of all, the high-priced gift has a number of personal effects. When children receive a valuable gift, the children’s expectation does significantly increase among them. For example, in nuclear families, parents who buy a smartphone from well-known manufactures such as apple company which its products are too expensive, after a while, their children would want a MacBook which their parents may not be able to buy it. This situation can lead to increase conflict among parents and their kids. Therefore, parents have to buy an expensive gift to prevent aggressive behaviour in their children. Secondly, apart from creating exceeded expectations, children who are given them luxury gifts, gradually they feel proud of their things and may consider themselves higher than other peers in terms of financial ability. So, discrimination will expand in society among rich and poor individuals. For instance, one of my friends received the latest models of car from her father on her birthday occasion, but her friends do not have the financial strength to buy such expensive gifts and day feel inferior in front of their prestigious gift. From what has been discussed, I believe that we cannot deny the drawbacks of luxury gifts on a child’s behaviour because of the growth bad habits such as aggressive behaviour, as well as this, they have a negative effect on society in terms of making the gap between individuals.
It
is argued
that by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
would increase in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
by giving luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
to them. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
costly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects in terms of personal and social aspects which
be discussed
in the following essay.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, the high-priced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
has a number of personal effects. When
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
receive a valuable
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
expectation does
significantly
increase among them.
For example
, in nuclear families,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
a smartphone from well-known manufactures such as apple
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
which its products are too expensive, after a while, their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
would want a MacBook which their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
may not be able to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
it. This situation can lead to increase conflict among
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
and their kids.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
parents
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
an expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gift
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
prevent
aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
in their children.

Secondly
, apart from creating exceeded expectations,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
who are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
them luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
,
gradually
they feel proud of their things and may consider themselves higher than other peers in terms of financial ability.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, discrimination will expand in society among rich and poor individuals.
For instance
, one of my friends received the latest models of car from her father on her birthday occasion,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
her friends do not have the financial strength to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
buy
such expensive
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
and day feel inferior in front of their prestigious gift.

From what has
been discussed
, I believe that we cannot deny the drawbacks of luxury
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
gifts
on a child’s
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of the growth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
bad
habits such as aggressive
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
,
as well
as this, they have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effect on society in terms of making the gap between individuals.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS essay Some parent say that giving expensive gifts to a child can create bad habits in him/her. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
280 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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