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Some individuals argue that, playing outdoors has number of benefits on children's growth compared to playing computer games at home.

Some individuals argue that, playing outdoors has number of benefits on children's growth compared to playing computer games at home. DR36
Some individuals argue that, playing outdoors has number of benefits on children's growth compared to playing computer games at home. I totally agree with this statement, for a number of reasons such as, it helps in child's health improvement enormously, but also, children's get to become more social with other kid's in society. All though sitting at home and indulging in video games looks more tempting to kid's these days, but going outdoors and participating in numerous different activities can boost a child's brain process resulting in building a sharp memory which in turn help them in studies. Playing outdoor games in contrast to computer games can make a child more physically fit, resulting in number of health benefits. For instance, a child sitting at home and playing video games, without any physical activity will become lazy and gain weight and face frequent illness, whereas, a kid getting involved in sports like football or cricket will be in good shape and have fewer diseases. Secondly, while playing outdoors, a child can meet kid's and make new friends, which can help them become socially active. For example, when a child plays a sport like football, which is a team game, which makes a child automatically involved with different children's, helping them becoming more social. Getting involved in any kind of group activity helps a child in number of ways. To conclude, I feel outdoor activities always have greater benefits for a child development in each and every way possible. Parents can play a major role in motivating their children's to go out and play in parks and getting them to join variety of sports.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
individuals argue that,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
has
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of benefits on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
growth compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
at home. I
totally
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement, for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of reasons such as, it
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
in child's health improvement
enormously
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
to become more social with other kid's in society.

Did you mean "although"?
All though
sitting at home and indulging in video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
looks more tempting to kid's these days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
going
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
and participating in numerous
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
can boost a child's brain process resulting in building a sharp memory which in turn
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them in studies.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
in contrast
to computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
more
physically
fit, resulting in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of health benefits.
For instance
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
sitting at home and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
video
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, without any physical
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
will become lazy and gain weight and face frequent illness, whereas, a kid getting involved in sports like football or cricket will be in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
shape and have fewer diseases.

Secondly
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoors
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
kid's and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
new friends, which can
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
help
them become
socially
active.

For example
, when a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
plays a sport like football, which is a team game, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
automatically
involved with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
, helping them
The verb ''' is used with an infinitive: "to become" or "become".
becoming
more social. Getting involved in any kind of group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
helps
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of ways.

To conclude
, I feel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
outdoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
always have greater benefits for a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
child
development in each and every way possible. Parents can play a major role in motivating their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children's
to go out and play in parks and getting them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
join
variety of sports.
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IELTS essay Some individuals argue that, playing outdoors has number of benefits on children's growth compared to playing computer games at home.

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
273 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
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