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Some groups of people are beneficial from modern communication technologies, but some of them think they are not beneficial from these. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some groups of people are beneficial from modern communication technologies, but some of them think they are not beneficial from these. 2aw0b
There are several groups that believe they can make use of advanced means of communication. While the other assume that these communication technologies are not advantageous to them, however, I agree that most of groups benefit from this. On the one hand, in work aspect, modern communication tools may enhance work performance. Firstly, a company can take advantage of advanced communication technologies to improve their products. There are a wide range of information on the Internet, therefore a company can collect customers’ data from there. This results in better understanding about their customers which directly assist the organization to improve their product to meet customers’ demand and bring profit to their business. Secondly, modern communication technologies can assist directors to manage their company. As they can stay in connect with all the employees, the directors can directly give orders to the staffs to keep their business on track. On the other hand, advanced means of communication might assist individuals in term of emotion. Firstly, youngsters are the ones who receive the most assistance from developing technology. Adolescents are under a lot of pressure nowadays as they must be perfect which means they have to get high score in school and a high-salary jobs in the future. With modern communications tool, it assists youngsters to share with their friends about this pressure which may make them feel released. Secondly, the elderly can also benefit from this. Even though, they are hard to catch up with developed technology they can still use their fundamental function to connect with other. As the elderly often feel lonely, this may assist them to have better mental statement. In conclusion, the modern communication benefit almost all groups as they can enhance company products and help improve young and old individuals emotion
There are several groups that believe they can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of advanced means of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
. While the other assume that these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
are not advantageous to them,
however
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that
After 'most of', you should use 'the' ("most of the groups") or simply say "most groups".
most of groups
benefit from this.

On the one hand, in work aspect,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
tools may enhance work performance.
Firstly
, a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can take advantage of advanced
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their products. There are a wide range of information on the Internet,
therefore
a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
can collect customers’ data from there. This results in better understanding about their customers which
directly
assist the organization to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their product to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
meet
customers’ demand and bring profit to their business.
Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technologies
can assist directors to manage their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
. As they can stay in connect with all the employees, the directors can
directly
give orders to the staffs to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
their business on
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
track
.

On the other hand
, advanced means of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
might assist individuals in term of emotion.
Firstly
, youngsters are the ones who receive the most assistance from developing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
. Adolescents are under
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
pressure nowadays as they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be perfect which means they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
high score in school and a high-salary jobs in the future. With
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
communications tool, it assists youngsters to share with their friends about this pressure which may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them feel released.
Secondly
, the elderly can
also
benefit from this.
Even though
, they are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
to catch up with developed
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
technology
they can
still
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
their fundamental function to connect with other. As the elderly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
feel lonely, this may assist them to have better mental statement.

In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
modern
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
communication
benefit almost all groups as they can enhance
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
company
products and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
young and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
individuals emotion
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IELTS essay Some groups of people are beneficial from modern communication technologies, but some of them think they are not beneficial from these.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
294 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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