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Some feel that good entertainers are as important to society as scientists. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some feel that good entertainers are as important to society as scientists. k5J12
It is believed by some people that a society should have both scientists and entertainers to function properly. I do agree with this statement. In the following paragraphs, I will put forth agreement points to support my perspective. To begin with, a healthy society is one in which everyone is happy. Though professionals such as doctors and scientist are considered to be of paramount importance, other professions such as entertainers are also required to make people happy internally. To be precise, after a hard day at work, people want to relax and rejuvenate, thereby seeking assistance of comedy shows and romantic movies to alleviate the burgeoning stress of the modern lifestyle. Secondly, not everyone have skills and brains to become a scientists or doctor, likewise some have expertise to excel in other fields such as the entertainment business. The flourishing of the entertainment business is a salient example of people possessing talents which are in-demand by the audience. Further more, it is proven scientifically that laughter makes a person mentally and physically fit. There is an old saying 'Laughter is the best medicine' which means if people just smile or laugh about a situation, it is effective to overcome any problem. Moreover, when someone is in state of happiness, body releases endorphine, and makes a person feel ecstatic. Last but not least, if everyone will choose scientist for their career path, there is going to be a imbalance in the demand and supply, wherein there will be more supply than demand. This will have negative results such as under-payment and increased tough competition, and might lead to corruption to get a job position in the industry. By way of conclusion, I would like to recapitulate that entertainment is as much fundamental as is scientists for a society. People all over the world have different forms of innate talents and proficiency which caters the demands of various fields in the economy.
It
is believed
by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
that a society should have both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
and entertainers to function
properly
. I do
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this statement. In the following paragraphs, I will put forth agreement points to support my perspective.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, a healthy society is one in which everyone is happy. Though professionals such as doctors and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
are considered
to be of paramount importance, other professions such as entertainers are
also
required to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
happy
internally
. To be precise, after a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
day at work,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
want to relax and rejuvenate, thereby seeking assistance of comedy
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
and romantic movies to alleviate the burgeoning
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
of the modern lifestyle.

Secondly
, not everyone
The pronoun 'everyone' is usually used with a third-person or a past tense verb: "has", "had".
have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and brains to become a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
or doctor,
likewise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
have expertise to excel in other fields such as the entertainment business. The flourishing of the entertainment business is a salient example of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
possessing talents which are in-demand by the audience.

Further
more, it
is proven
scientifically
that laughter
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person mentally and
physically
fit. There is an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
saying 'Laughter is the best medicine' which means if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
smile or laugh about a situation, it is effective to overcome any problem.
Moreover
, when someone is in state of happiness, body releases
Possible spelling mistake found.
endorphine
, and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a person feel ecstatic.

Last
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
not least, if everyone will choose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientist
for their career path, there is going to be
Use "an" instead of 'a' if the following word starts with a vowel sound, e.g. 'an article', 'an hour'
a
imbalance in the demand and supply, wherein there will be more supply than demand. This will have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
results such as under-payment and increased tough competition, and might lead to corruption to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
a job position in the industry.

By way of conclusion, I would like to recapitulate that entertainment is as much fundamental as is
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
scientists
for a society.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
all over the world have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
forms of innate talents and proficiency which caters the demands of various fields in the economy.
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IELTS essay Some feel that good entertainers are as important to society as scientists.

Essay
  American English
6 paragraphs
320 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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