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Some companies decided not to allow employees to discuss about business by sending emails or message on the weekend. Some people believe that this policy will discourage employees. What is your opinion and why? v.1

Some companies decided not to allow employees to discuss about business by sending emails or message on the weekend. Some people believe that this policy will discourage employees. What is your opinion and why? v. 1
There are many famous songs that people can feel like a unity in the world. Some people believe that music can make people a special group, regardless of different cultures and ages. I will agree with that music is a good way to be together. First of all, music has a powerful strength to move people’s mind. There have been shown a lot of instances, such as K-Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz and so on. K-Pop is becoming more and more popular, so lots of fans over the world gather to see the K-pop stars in a concert. They have different nationalities and backgrounds, but they have the only same interest that they love K-pop. Likewise, music can make people move their mind and it can cause them to put in the same place. Secondly, music can make people same goals. For example, in the World cup, we usually use the music for uniting and cheering a team up. Furthermore, the team in a match is significantly influenced by the music. So, the team and the sponsors can be together and they can focus on the match more. I have argued that the power of music is amazing because people can be one easily when they have some goals. In conclusion, there are several reasons that music is one of the best ways to gather together, but I have argued that when people listen to the same music, they can be aware of becoming a group and they can have the same goals. Therefore, i think music is a good way to Unite people.
There are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
songs that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can feel like a unity in the world.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
a special group, regardless of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
cultures and ages. I will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to be together.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has a powerful strength to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
mind. There have
been shown
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
instances, such as K-Pop, Hip-hop, Jazz and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
on. K-Pop is becoming more and more popular,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
lots of fans over the world gather to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the K-pop stars in a concert. They have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nationalities and backgrounds,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
they have the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
same interest that they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
love
K-pop.
Likewise
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
move
their mind and it can cause them to put in the same place.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
same goals.
For example
, in the World cup, we
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
for uniting and cheering a team up.
Furthermore
, the team in a match is
significantly
influenced by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, the team and the sponsors can be
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
together and
they can focus on the match more. I have argued that the power of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is amazing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
can be one
easily
when they have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
goals.

In conclusion
, there are several reasons that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is one of the best ways to gather together,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
I have argued that when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
listen to the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, they can be aware of becoming a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
group and
they can have the same goals.
Therefore
,
Is this the personal pronoun "I"? It is spelled uppercase.
i
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to Unite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some companies decided not to allow employees to discuss about business by sending emails or message on the weekend. Some people believe that this policy will discourage employees. What is your opinion and why? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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