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Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

In today's world, kids are more likely to spend their leisure time in activities such as music and painting class or be a member of a particular club. Although this kind of activity helps them to grow in a special field, it is necessary to regard the negative aspect of fulling kids' time like this. Mainly, if you consider the renowned people like Mozart or Newton who are famous for their great accomplishments and hard work and start to read their biographies, obviously they all first started their work as a hobby. Therefore for youngsters who are not interested in the activity and do it because their parents ask or pressure them, they just waste their childhood in stress and anxiety. Children must enjoy the activity and do it by heart, in consequence, they can grow well and accomplish great feats, which means no wasting childhood, time, and money. In another view, youth must have their free time to be themselves, think and read, also, they need to play without any plan that causes numerous limitations and also makes them aggressive. They need to spend their free time like this because their mental health can grow and have an excellent function. Also, children should have free time to spend it with their siblings, parents, and grandparents, in result it can help them to improve their emotional intelligence and they will be a kind and communicator people in their future life. Finally, parents must give their kids space and opportunities to choose their favorite activity, because it helps them to save money and have a happy child, and also allow them to spend the rest of their free time without any plans.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
's world, kids are more likely to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
such as music and painting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or be a member of a particular club. Although this kind of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to grow in a special field, it is necessary to regard the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
aspect of fulling kids'
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
like this.

Mainly
, if you consider the renowned
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
like Mozart or Newton who are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
for their great accomplishments and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
work and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to read their biographies,
obviously
they all
first
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
their work as a hobby.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Therefore
for youngsters who are not interested in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and do it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their parents ask or pressure them, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
waste their childhood in
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stress
and anxiety. Children
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
enjoy the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
and do it by heart, in consequence, they can grow well and accomplish great feats, which means no wasting childhood,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, and money.

In another view, youth
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
have their
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free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to be themselves,
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think
and read,
also
, they need to play without any plan that causes numerous limitations and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
them aggressive. They need to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
like this
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
their mental health can grow and have an excellent function.
Also
, children should have
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
it with their siblings, parents, and grandparents, in result it can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their emotional
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
intelligence and
they will be a kind and communicator
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in their future life.

Finally
, parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
give their kids space and opportunities to choose their favorite
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
helps
them to save money and have a happy child, and
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
allow
them to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
spend
the rest of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
without any plans.
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IELTS essay Some children spend most of their free time taking part in clubs and other planned activities. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
281 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 5.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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