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There should be strict laws banning people from taking photographs of people under 18 in order to protect young celebrities and the children of celebrities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In our modern society, having a private life is the right of everyone and some people are of the opinion that some strict laws should be imposed to protect young celebrities from taking photographs, with which I am in complete agreement. Being famous nowadays means that celebrities are in the tabloids a lot and they are followed by the paparazzi everywhere they go because they are in the public eye which put a social pressure on famous children that they have to act in a certain way like their parents. For example, people think the Angelina Jolie girls have to be perfectly dressed like their mother. In my opinion, this is not fair on children. Furthermore, children have the right to be badly dressed or have a badly day like everyone else. Children are not well-behaved like older people in any situation, sometimes they get tired and bored so they start to cry. Certainly, no one likes a photo was taken in that position. People say that, famous people should act as a good role model that have a positive influence on young people, but sometimes due to differences in lifestyle following children’s star does not a positive impact. In other words, when celebrities do not have privacy, people are informed the details of their lives, such as, what brand of clothing they buy or what kind of entertainment they have. So in this case, young people imitate their lifestyle. For instance, buying fashionable clothe like celebrities or even they like to do such a luxury entertainment that exactly children’s celebrities do. Therefore, low-income and poor families are not affordable to provide desires of their children. In conclusion, although people are interested in child star and children of celebrities, it is more important to protect children, so taking photographs of children should be banned.
In our modern society, having a private life is the right of everyone and
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are of the opinion that
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
strict laws should
be imposed
to protect young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
from taking photographs, with which I am in complete agreement. Being
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
nowadays means that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
are in the tabloids a
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
lot and
they
are followed
by the paparazzi everywhere they go
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they are in the public eye which put a social pressure on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
that they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
act in a certain way like their parents.
For example
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
the Angelina Jolie girls
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be
perfectly
dressed like their mother. In my opinion, this is not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
fair
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
Furthermore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have the right to be
badly
dressed or have a
You used an adverb ('badly') instead of an adjective, or a noun ('day') instead of another adjective.
badly day
like everyone else.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Children
are not well-behaved like older
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in any situation,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
tired and bored
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
to cry.
Certainly
, no one likes a photo
was taken
in that position.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
say that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
should act as a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
role model that have a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
influence on young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
due to differences in lifestyle following
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
star does not a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
impact.
In other words
, when
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do not have privacy,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are informed
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
, such as, what brand of clothing they
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
or what kind of entertainment they have.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
in this case
, young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
imitate their lifestyle.
For instance
, buying fashionable clothe like
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
or even they like to do such a luxury entertainment that exactly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
do.
Therefore
, low-income and poor families are not affordable to provide desires of their children.

In conclusion
, although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are interested
in child star and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
celebrities
, it is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to protect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
taking photographs of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
should
be banned
.
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IELTS essay There should be strict laws banning people from taking photographs of people under 18 in order to protect young celebrities and the children of celebrities.

Essay
  American English
2 paragraphs
304 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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