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Some believe that upbringing of child is responsibility of both parents. Agree or disagree? Provide details and example to support your response. v.1

Some believe that upbringing of child is responsibility of both parents. Agree or disagree? Provide details and example to support your response. v. 1
There are widely differing views on whether parents buy too many toys or not, Parents used to buy toys for their achievements or as a presents, on special occasion, I think toys are important for children's education and social development, however, having a large number of toys has consequences as well, I intend to explore the advantages and disadvantages of the said issue. Babies are eager to learn the world around them and they have much to learn. Every shape, design, colours and taste have learning experience for them, for instance, the toys with contrasting colours are fascinating to babies and stimulate their developing vision, further more the toddlers can play with a wide variety of toys like Lego blocks provide more opportunities to learn colours and symmetry while developing their motor skills. On the other hand, it is modern trend to buy more toys for babies in competition of other families which as a consequence have negative uses, for example, the used on a mobile phone or tablets for watching YouTube and other social sites proved to be not healthy for babies, as parents do not have control on them what they are watching as they might come across with adult contents, as most of the time they stick around with gadgets. In fact, most of the toys were often discarded by children as they grew up, many of them are made of plastics which certainly a great threat to the environment. To sum up, that having unnecessary toys will affect children's health, social activities more than they enjoying playing with them, however, there is no harm in buying necessary toys when required owing to limit excessive usage.
There are
widely
differing views on whether parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
or not, Parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for their achievements or as
Don't use indefinite articles with plural words. Did you mean "a present" or simply "presents"?
a presents
, on special occasion, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
for children's education and social development,
however
, having
Specify a number, remove phrase, or simply use "many" or "numerous"
a large number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
has consequences
as well
, I intend to explore the advantages and disadvantages of the said issue.

Babies are eager to learn the world around
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
them and
they have much to learn. Every shape, design,
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
and taste have learning experience for them,
for instance
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
with contrasting
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
are fascinating to babies and stimulate their developing vision,
further
more the toddlers can play with a wide variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
like Lego blocks provide more opportunities to learn
Possible spelling mistake. 'colours' is British English.
colours
and symmetry while developing their motor
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
.

On the other hand
, it is modern trend to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
buy
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
for babies in competition of other families which as a consequence have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
uses
,
for example
, the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
on a mobile phone or tablets for watching YouTube and other social sites proved to be not healthy for babies, as parents do not have control on them what they are watching as they might
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
come
across with adult contents, as most of the time they stick around with gadgets. In fact, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
were
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
discarded by children as they grew up,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
of them
are made
of plastics which
certainly
a great threat to the environment.

To sum up, that having unnecessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
will affect children's health, social activities more than
Did you mean "they're enjoying", "they are enjoying", or "they were enjoying"?
they enjoying
playing with them,
however
, there is no harm in buying necessary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
toys
when required owing to limit excessive usage.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay Some believe that upbringing of child is responsibility of both parents. Agree or disagree? Provide details and example to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
279 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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