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Some advocates argue that it is good to share as much information as possible, others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v.1

Some advocates argue that it is good to share as much information as possible, others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v. 1
In the salad day of the millennium, the society is polarised into two groups almost equally. Regarding the notion that whether the government should put in money for improving faster forms of public transport or allocate cash into others important arrangements like environment, health etc. However, different people have their distinct mindset. The following paragraph's would shed light on both the approaches before making a final note. To commence with the first notion, there are myriad things to share in its favour. There are two main reasons why governments should provide their citizens with faster forms of public transport. Firstly, this could help various people, such as commuters, to reduce a waste of time of travelling to work from home and vice versa. As a result, they will have more ample leisure hours of their own lives and the productivity will be increased. Secondly, by adopting this method, there will be no situations that people are packed into the cramped and hot buses. They do not have to rush to go to work on time or get up so early to have a seat on a bus. Therefore, they can have more time to prepare themselves before going to work or study or enjoying their breakfast with their families. Shifting towards the second thought of school, I believe that spending money on other spheres is more important. One reason is that there is no undoubtedly that environmental pollution is now a pressing issue. More and more vehicles are produced annually and the exhaust emitted from those vehicles has had a detrimental effect on our atmosphere, especially in cities. As a result, there are more people going down with respiratory diseases and other kinds of cancer. Another reason is that the living cost in the countryside is increasing, much less in big cities. This makes a lot of people harder in meeting basic human needs and if governments have no policy to cope with this situation, there will be a decrease in economic growth. In conclusion, although improving the speed of public transports is advantageous to some extent, it seems to me that it is better for governments to spend their budget on urgent issues such as environment and living cost.
In the salad day of the millennium, the society is
Possible spelling mistake. 'polarised' is British English.
polarised
into two groups almost
equally
. Regarding the notion that whether the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
government
should put in money for improving faster forms of public transport or allocate cash into others
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
arrangements like environment, health etc.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have their distinct mindset. The following paragraph's would shed light on both the approaches
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
making a final note.

To commence with the
first
notion, there are myriad things to share in its
Possible spelling mistake. 'favour' is British English.
favour
. There are two main reasons why
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
should provide their citizens with faster forms of public transport.
Firstly
, this could
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
, such as commuters, to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
a waste of time of travelling to work from home and vice versa.
As a result
, they will have more ample leisure hours of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and the productivity will
be increased
.
Secondly
, by adopting this method, there will be no situations that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are packed
into the cramped and hot buses. They do not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
rush to go to work on time or
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
up
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
early to have a seat on a bus.
Therefore
, they can have more time to prepare themselves
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
going to work or study or enjoying their breakfast with their families.

Shifting towards the second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
thought
of school, I believe that spending money on other spheres is more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
. One reason is that there is no
undoubtedly
that environmental pollution is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
a pressing issue. More and more vehicles
are produced
annually
and the exhaust emitted from those vehicles has had a detrimental effect on our atmosphere,
especially
in cities.
As a result
, there are more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
going down with respiratory diseases and other kinds of cancer. Another reason is that the living cost in the countryside is increasing, much less in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
cities. This
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
harder in meeting basic human needs and if
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
have no policy to cope with this situation, there will be a decrease in economic growth.

In conclusion
, although improving the speed of public transports is advantageous to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extent, it seems to me that it is better for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
governments
to spend their budget on urgent issues such as environment and living cost.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes
Speak a new language so that the world will be a new world.
Rumi

IELTS essay Some advocates argue that it is good to share as much information as possible, others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
370 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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