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“Smoking should not be allowed in public places." Do you agree or disagree?

“Smoking should not be allowed in public places. " PLJPw
Medical studies have shown that smoking not only affects to the smokers’ health, but also for people close by. Many people argue that government should ban smoking in public places. From my perspective, I completely agree with this notion based on the following concerns. There are several reasons that opponents of such a ban argue against it. To begin with, they suppose that smoking is not against the law, so individuals should have freedom to smoke. Therefore, they still continue to smoke wherever they want. Furthermore, those say that passive smokers make their choice whether or not live with people’s smoke. If they would prefer not to smoke passively, those do not need to visit places where smoking is accepted. The consequences of smoking are not a secret, it may lead to a lung cancer, and a heart stroke. For example, Ministry of Health conducted experiment with people who use cigarette. The result is that more than 90% smokers got lung cancer. In addition, besides with those, there is also a probability for his surroundings to get sick from the fumes of tobacco. Following the surveys conducted by scientists, the number of people who do not smoke but have secondhand smoke will get cancer higher than the smokers. As a result, smoking in such places should be strictly controlled by the authorities. In conclusion, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I maintain that smoking should not be allowed in social places. I would recommend that government need to give some legislations for those smokers in order to keep healthy for innocents.
Medical studies have shown that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
affects to the smokers’ health,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
close by.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
argue that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
should ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. From my perspective, I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with this notion based on the following concerns.

There are several reasons that opponents of such a ban argue against it. To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, they suppose that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is not against the law,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
individuals should have freedom to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
.
Therefore
, they
still
continue to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
wherever they want.
Furthermore
, those say that passive smokers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their choice
Consider shortening this phrase to just "whether". It is correct though if you mean 'regardless of whether'.
whether or not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
. If they
Consider removing 'would'. (Usually, 'would' does not occur in a conditional clause, unless to make a request or give a polite order.)
would prefer
not to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
passively
, those do not need to visit
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
where
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
accepted
.

The consequences of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
are not a secret, it may lead to a lung cancer, and a heart stroke.
For example
, Ministry of Health conducted experiment with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
cigarette. The result is that more than 90% smokers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
lung cancer.
In addition
,
besides
with those, there is
also
a probability for his surroundings to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
sick from the fumes of tobacco. Following the surveys conducted by scientists, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who do not
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
have secondhand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoke
will
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
cancer higher than the smokers.
As a result
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
in such
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
should be
strictly
controlled by the authorities.

In conclusion
, for the reasons I have mentioned above, I maintain that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoking
should not be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
allowed
in social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
places
. I would recommend that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
need to give
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
Possible spelling mistake found.
legislations
for those smokers in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
keep
healthy for innocents.
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IELTS essay “Smoking should not be allowed in public places. "

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
262 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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