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Should teenagers be allowed to have part-time job?

Should teenagers be allowed to have part-time job? aw71X
I think it is a good way to improve the self-esteem of the teenagers. Taking up a part time job can consequently build their confidence. I agree that they study all day which is quite boring for many students and doing a part time job can give them an opportunity to do something interesting. I believe a part time job can’t affect their study. I know that parents worry much about their children, however, it makes students responsible and encourage them to do something for themselves. It will be better if parents show their support and give consent their children to work part time.
I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
way to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
the self-esteem of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. Taking up a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job can
consequently
build their confidence. I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
that they study all day which is quite boring for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
students and doing a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job can give them an opportunity to do something interesting. I believe a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
job can’t affect their study.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
I
know that parents worry much about their children,
however
, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
students responsible and encourage them to do something for themselves. It will be better if parents
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their support and give consent their children to work
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
part
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
.

IELTS essay Should teenagers be allowed to have part-time job?

Essay
  American English
1 paragraphs
104 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
4.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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