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Should music be treated as seriously as subjects like maths or sciences at school?

Should music be treated as seriously as subjects like maths or sciences at school? 2R3Pb
In my opinion music as a subject at schools should be treated the same way as any other subject. First, there is a kind of intelligence related to the sensorial and artistic part some students could develop these skills or be more encouraged to practice this talent. So, it is important in educational programs that music has the same time and space as any other subject. Secondly, music has been an important aspect about history, novels, culture. Students need to know the quality and the problems people were experienced at a certain time and why does music appear as a way of freedom. Also, they could find this attractive and start experimenting new abilities such as playing an instrument. Finally, I think music is an inherent aspect of the human race and we should not underestimate it as a subject in schools.
In my opinion
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as a subject at schools should
be treated
the same way as any other subject.
First
, there is a kind of intelligence related to the sensorial and artistic part
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
students could develop these
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
or be more encouraged to practice this talent.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
So
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
in educational programs that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has the same time and space as any other subject.

Secondly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
has been an
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
aspect about history, novels, culture. Students need to know the quality and the problems
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
were experienced
at a certain time and why does
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
appear as a way of freedom.
Also
, they could find this attractive and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
start
experimenting new abilities such as playing an instrument.

Finally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
is an inherent aspect of the human
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
race and
we should not underestimate it as a subject in schools.
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IELTS essay Should music be treated as seriously as subjects like maths or sciences at school?

Essay
  American English
3 paragraphs
142 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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