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Should Government spend money on art when they have so many other important issues? v.2

Should Government spend money on art when they have so many other important issues? v. 2
In today’s world by augmenting societies, running expenditures in many sections have increased and one of them is nothing but art. According to some person, it is on the shoulder of government to fund all art-related sections, whilst others are of the opinion that there are issues which are crucially important. On one side of the argument there are people who put forward that creative activity is one of the most efficacious parts that needs more attention, not only from the perspective of spiritual, but also monetary. Advocates of this opinion believe that art industry can solve some problems in other parts, namely in the area of juvenile delinquencies or problems of addiction, and has helpful effects in this way. For instance, in the city of Min Jun, the number of devious felons was noticeable and regime just via providing some documentaries about the results of crime could tackle this lawbreaking phenomenon. On the other hand, some people argue that it is better that the authority spend more money on paramount issues, which respect to them, creative activity places in lower levels. Almost beyond a shadow of a doubt all strata of people struggle with grave problems, such as medical treatment, unemployment and etc. , so that for their obviating needs more attention from side of government. For example, regime have to help a person who lies on the bed in a hospital and immediately needs a rare drug which is out of afford for him/her. To recapitulate it briefly, even though art can aid to solve some social problems, but the monetary need of the other sections is unforgettable. Therefore, it is of the essence that government holds them in higher regard than creative activity.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world by augmenting societies, running expenditures in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
sections have increased and one of them is nothing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
art. According to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
person, it is on the shoulder of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
to fund all art-related sections, whilst others are of the opinion that there are issues which are
crucially
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
.

On one side of the argument there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who put forward that creative activity is one of the most efficacious parts that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
more attention, not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
from the perspective of spiritual,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
monetary. Advocates of this opinion believe that art industry can solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
parts,
namely
in the area of juvenile delinquencies or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
of addiction, and has helpful effects in this way.
For instance
, in the city of Min Jun, the number of devious felons was noticeable and regime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
via providing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
documentaries about the results of crime could tackle this lawbreaking phenomenon.

On the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
hand,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that it is better that the authority spend more money on paramount issues, which respect to them, creative activity places in lower levels. Almost beyond a shadow of a doubt all strata of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
struggle with grave
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
, such as medical treatment, unemployment
Write the name of the item after 'and' or use only "etc".
and etc
.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
that for their obviating
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
more attention from side of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
.
For example
, regime
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
a person who lies on the bed in a hospital and immediately
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
needs
a rare drug which is out of afford for him/her.

To recapitulate it
briefly
,
even though
art can aid to solve
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
social
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
problems
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the monetary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
need
of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
other
sections is unforgettable.
Therefore
, it is of the essence that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
holds them in higher regard than creative activity.
9Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
11Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS essay Should Government spend money on art when they have so many other important issues? v. 2

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
286 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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