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Should children spend more time on art and music

Should children spend more time on art and music NmVGy
Creative activities, such as art and music, were one of the main aspects of each nation. The technological era put its step in the importance of having traditional art and music, nevertheless, it still exists and is popular. Educational programs at schools should not include extra timing for art and musician subjects, while special schools for these disciplines still exist. First of all, it is important to mention, that the computer century should not be the cause of leaving behind national culture, that includes art and music. To my mind, cultural attributes, such as language, music, dances, art and costumes would never die, while people, who born, grow and live here are still located in their origin places. Secondly, technological development does not mean disappearing of any of mentioned above sources of personal identification, conversely, it would be developed and making better for modern realities. That is mean, that art and music and other cultural specialities still have and will have their place in changing world. From my point of view, children at ordinary schools have to focus more on sciences and languages, than on the artistic subject. Art and music as disciplines should be taught at schools only before 4th grade, when a child begins to realise what exactly he or she wants to deal with, after this time teachers rarely provide personal attitude. Furthermore, nowadays, these elements take the second part in the educational process in comprehensive schools and they are being taught by mentors and experts in specialized courses or at special schools. That is why children should not spend their time learning music, art or any other creative subjects at ordinary schools, while there are a big variety of specialized schools with an individual approach. Summarizing all mentioned above, essential cultural differences, such as art or music, take a big part in our lives and will be never forgotten, meanwhile this art and music should not be taught at schools, because of lack of individual approach of education and a big amount of special schools with this approach.
Creative activities, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, were one of the main aspects of each nation. The technological era put its step in the importance of having traditional
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
nevertheless
, it
still
exists and is popular. Educational programs at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
should not include extra timing for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and musician subjects, while special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
for these disciplines
still
exist.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, it is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
to mention, that the computer century should not be the cause of leaving behind national culture, that includes
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
. To my mind, cultural attributes, such as language,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, dances,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and costumes would never
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
, while
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
, who born, grow and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
live
here are
still
located in their origin places.
Secondly
, technological development does not mean disappearing
Consider simply using "of" instead.
of any of
mentioned above sources of personal identification,
conversely
, it would
be developed
and making better for modern realities.
That is
mean, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
and other cultural specialities
still
have and will have their place in changing world.

From my point of view, children at ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
focus more on sciences and languages, than on the artistic subject.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
as disciplines should
be taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
4th grade, when a child
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begins
to
Possible spelling mistake. 'realise' is British English.
realise
what exactly he or she wants to deal with, after this time teachers rarely provide personal attitude.
Furthermore
, nowadays, these elements take the second part in the educational process in comprehensive
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
schools and
they are
being taught
by mentors and experts in specialized courses or at special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
.
That is
why children should not spend their time learning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or any other creative subjects at ordinary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
, while there are a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
variety of specialized
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
with an individual approach.

Summarizing all mentioned above, essential cultural differences, such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
or
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
, take a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
part in our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
and
The adverb 'never' is usually put between 'will' and 'be'.
will be never
forgotten, meanwhile this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
art
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
music
should not
be taught
at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of lack of individual approach of education and a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
big
amount of special
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
schools
with this approach.
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IELTS essay Should children spend more time on art and music

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
342 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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