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The illustration gives information about employment of men and women workers in Britain with many fields, Information is divided into 9 areas also units are given as pecentage.

The illustration gives information about employment of men and women workers in Britain with many fields, Information is divided into 9 areas also units are given as pecentage. PgrYg
The illustration gives information about employment of men and women workers in Britain with many fields, Information is divided into 9 areas also units are given as pecentage. Overall, great majority of females worked in administrative and secretarial area also highest amounts of men working as skilled trader in the 2005s, furthermore there is high contrast between sexes in two special sector, these are process, plant and machine operatives for males, and personal service for females. In terms of employment occupation, almost a quarter of women are working in administrative and secretarial area and 15% of women employed in associate professional and in technical departments. Moreover, just about 14% of females worked in personal services in the 2005s. On the other hand, most of the men worked as skilled trader, whereas around 2% of males working for personal services in those times. However many males showed as manager and senior officials, ratio is just about 18%. Moreover, 14% of men worked as Professional and also almost same ratio for men in the machine operatives employment and in the elementary areas.
The illustration gives information about employment of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and women workers in Britain with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
fields, Information
is divided
into 9
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
also
units are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
as
Possible spelling mistake found.
pecentage
.

Overall
,
It seems that an article is missing.
great majority of
females worked in administrative and secretarial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
also
A determiner is probably missing here: "the highest".
highest
amounts of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
working as skilled trader in the 2005s,
furthermore
there is high contrast between sexes in two special
Possible agreement error. The noun 'sector' seems to be countable, so consider using: "sectors".
sector
, these are process, plant and machine operatives for males, and personal service for females.

In terms of employment occupation, almost a quarter of women are working in administrative and secretarial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
area
and 15% of women employed in associate professional and in technical departments.
Moreover
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about 14% of females worked in personal services in the 2005s.

On the other hand
, most of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
worked as skilled trader, whereas around 2% of males working for personal services in those times.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
males
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
as manager and senior officials, ratio is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
about 18%.
Moreover
, 14% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
worked as Professional and
also
almost same ratio for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the machine operatives employment and in the elementary
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
areas
.
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IELTS essay The illustration gives information about employment of men and women workers in Britain with many fields, Information is divided into 9 areas also units are given as pecentage.

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
180 words
This writing has been penalized,
text can't be
less than 250 words in Task 2
and less than 150 words in Task 1
5.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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